


low-temperature burn

by Chumly



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Convin New Year’s Countdown 2020, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Non-Binary Connor, Pining, Slow Burn, Yearning, but this time happening around Christmas, connor cries a lot, soft, there is death (not convin they'll live forever I promise)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 27,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27844150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chumly/pseuds/Chumly
Summary: Two broken pieces rarely make a whole, but it doesn't mean they can't fit together perfectly.ora pair of emotionally scarred idiots learns how to accept their mistakes and forgive themselves, so they can create a place for another human being(this is one consecutive story, not an anthology)
Relationships: Connor & Gavin Reed, Connor/Gavin Reed
Comments: 8
Kudos: 39
Collections: Convin New Year's Countdown 2020





	1. a new dawn

**Author's Note:**

> yet another challenge to torture myself with :)  
> enjoy ♥

A lone snowflake finds its way inside through the crack in the window, landing on Connor’s forehead. He wants to take a closer look at it, but his finger melts it before he has the chance to put it in his field of vision. It has always been like this. Good things getting ruined by his carelessness, his innate sense of superiority. 

It has been two hundred and seventy-three days since it last snowed. It’s not that Connor is fascinated by the white substance falling from the clouds above to the point of being able to recall the last day of snow with precise accuracy, it’s because he isn’t able to forget that day. He isn’t able to _forgive_ himself. Sometimes he wishes he could just delete all his memories and start fresh, but there are things that are too important to be discarded. People who are still alive, people who wouldn’t deserve getting abandoned like that. The friends that he loves. He still thinks it an utter wonder he has managed to make any, granted they are almost exclusively just his coworkers. 

He wants to say that he regards them all in equal ways, but unfortunately enough, there is one person who he thinks about more than the others, and not only because they spend the most time together since they became work partners. The love he has for Gavin hurts him from the inside out. It puts a heavy weight on his chest, it makes his wounds split open and bleed.

And the worst of all, it spreads like wildfire that can’t be contained. The more he tried to put it out the more it burned, and ultimately he had no choice but to give in to it. He figures that as long as he keeps it inside it can’t harm anyone else. Knows that it’s okay to suffer alone because he’s had it coming. 

It’s a curse that keeps him warm when all he has are the demons that haunt his mind.

He imagines how it would feel if they stopped being afraid of each other and let themselves be a little less desperate together. He’s aware of Gavin’s own attraction to him, being android an all that. Not only that. Even if he were an ordinary human being, he would be able to read his heart in the ways he looks at Connor, the small friendly gestures reserved only for him, the sincere interest with which the man listens to everything he says. It’s written all over him. Which makes the situation that much more painful.

Connor does want to be with Gavin, no matter the shape or form, but if they are to turn into something more, something different than what they are now, it won’t be him who makes the first step. It can’t be him. He isn’t a human enough to make that big of a decision for both of them. So he has entrusted his fate to the unstable detective who can’t even choose what to have for breakfast most of the times, let alone whether he’d be willing to risk everything they have built together just for some nebulous sense of satisfaction. Connor would. He trusts Gavin’s promise never to hurt him again. He’s the only one Connor unconditionally trusts as a whole. It has been proven to him a thousand times over that he can expect nothing but honesty from the irate man, even if the truth on hand isn’t the one he’d like to hear. He wants to believe that it’s more than just guilt that makes him unable to lie to Connor, that he does it because of some respect toward the android, which is an incredibly selfish thing to wish for. Because Gavin has seen all the ugly, broken parts of him, the turmoil lurking behind his immaculately crafted face, so he knows that there’s nothing much there worthy of respect. It’s a kind of mutual exchange. Occasionally, he is allowed to take a peek inside the true and bare Gavin Reed.

They’re both compiled of old wounds that keep resurfacing and stealing their beauty away.

Connor has made mistakes that cost lives. No amount of repenting or self-loathing would make things right, but it doesn’t stop the android from punishing himself whenever he can. That’s the least he can do. 

He sighs and gracelessly scrubs on his face to get rid of the ugly tears. 

There is a rustling sound coming from the corner of the room, followed by a soft whine. Sumo has been sleeping soundly the whole night, but the oncoming dawn alerts his circadian clock that it’s time to wake up and begin the day.

The reds and whites behind the window blend together, creating a distorted image of the past. He only allows himself to sit by the window on nights like these when he needs to be reminded why he hasn’t thrown himself from it yet. Lucky that it’s his day off, for he really doesn’t want to talk to anyone today. Wouldn’t want to make someone worry about him.

Before he departs for his morning walk with Sumo, he takes a picture of the bleeding sky and sends it to the one person he wouldn’t mind seeing right now.

_Good morning, detective._


	2. nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin is made out of 60% angst and 40% yearning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (not happy yet)

There are loud noises coming from all around, deafening not only him but also the people who are stupid enough to have come here. They make him paralysed, make him scared out of his mind and unable to think. 

It’s happening all over again. The screams, the insults, the profanities. The “I have raised a failure”s and “we should have aborted you”s. And Gavin believes it too. Every single word being spat out of the grizzly maw resonates deep within his soul, making him wonder why he should wake up every morning if he’s nothing but a waste of space. He doesn’t even want to fight it, because he’s small and tired, and tried so many times before with nothing but more scars to show for it. So he just lets the scene unravel in front of him just like any other time. And the eyes keep watching him, judging him for all he has and hasn’t done. Every member of his family has gathered around to take a part in the shaming ritual that comes about almost every other night. Even his mother is there, piercing him with her blank stare, unaffected by the horrors that take place around her.

Maybe he’s just weak. Maybe he deserves it. Maybe he should just end it all.

He concentrates really hard, wills himself to get away from this nightmare, unsure whether this is just another scenario his fucked up mind has gifted him with or whether this time it’s real. He’s usually hazy about this, ready to perceive the things he sees as a reality and rarely question them further. But among the crowd of callous lights, there is a pair of eyes so unlike any other, so soft and without a speck of malice in them, and he doesn’t know what to do with their sudden appearance. Because he recognizes their owner. The person who has no place in this vile corner of his mind. A place too dangerous for such a delicate being. It isn’t right.

He’d like to think that he’s there to help, that he came to soothe Gavin’s bruised heart. Because he desperately wants him to. Maybe if he just pried his heavy eyelids open…

“You’ve got a new text message,” the automated voice politely informs him. Suddenly his heedless attitude of not caring enough to change the default alert noise starts really getting on his tangled nerves. How many times will he be forced to listen to the prissy lady’s mechanical announcements before he throws his phone out of the window he couldn’t wage, but judging by his nonexistent mental stability, he would say a week – give or take.

He fumbles for his phone, looking for something tangible to take him back into the reality of the present moment but he can’t see anything since there are droplets of sweat around his eyes, blurring his vision. Or maybe those are tears. He can’t really be sure. 

His brain is trying to force itself through the skull and out in the open, or that’s how it feels like to him. His fragile heart is stuck in his throat, still beating hard, just like his father used to. Hands shaking, limbs aching. He’s probably running a mild fever, too. It’s nothing he’s isn’t used to. Having night terrors, even at his age, no matter how pathetic it makes him look, it’s still an inherent part of who he is. That’s why he never allowed anyone to get too close, never let anyone see this bonus feature of his. 

Gavin never figured he would have issues with keeping this show of weakness to himself. Never thought that there could be a solution to it. Because no amount of therapy and alcohol ever managed to make him free of the ghosts from his past. He knows that there is no magical remedy to this sickness of his, but still, he can’t help but feel like he needs something more. Like there is something missing in his futile quest for survival. Someone who would make him forget who he is for just a second. Someone who would be willing to lie to him about how it’s going to be fine, how he’s not alone in this mess.

It hurts more than the repeating dream would ever be able to. It hurts because he knows it’s a pile of bullshit.

Because he doesn’t want anyone except the one person he can’t stop thinking about. Because Connor would know just the right thing to say to make him feel better, because every time he’s with him, all of his problems get draped in a thick veil. But most of all, it’s because he loves him. He’s never fallen so hard, and frankly, it terrifies him to death. The feeling sits deep at the bottom of his heart, waiting for some divine sign to come up and show its head. It festers there, plaguing his entire body with an ache he has no outlet for. Feeding on the rest of the good things he has left in his miserable life.

If only the person he yearns for wasn’t an immaculately designed android, a one of his kind creation, a precious human being. If only it wasn’t Connor. But then again, he wouldn’t have this problem then, would he. 

It’s just that he couldn’t bear such a beautiful being tainted by a wreck like him. 

For he doesn't care about Connor's flaws and imperfections. The image of him he has created inside his heart isn’t malleable by the mistakes he’s made or the irritating traits he’s been programmed with. Because no matter how low Connor sinks, there will always be below. And that’s where Gavin’s soul dwells.

That’s why he keeps his feelings for himself. If Connor never finds out, he’ll be spared the inevitable pain that comes after. Maybe the android will find someone who would love him right somewhere on his path. And if he’s lucky, the ache will eventually dissolve into his bloodstream just like it did in the past.

The heart-rending things he wishes for.

After some more psychological self-harm, he finally finds his phone lying screen down on the ground. He picks it up with a groan, his muscles protesting against all and every movement.

There is a new crack that wasn’t there yesterday. A crooked line all across the screen, splitting the display into two halves.

He pays it no mind. Gavin himself is full of scars so what is one more to add to his ever-growing collection. The second thing he notices right away is that the message he’s received is from none other than Connor himself. He tries to convince himself not to open it, has all the persuading arguments ready, but his fingers are quicker than his mind and so he’s left staring at an explosion of red and white hues, an image mirroring the scenery peeking at him through the small part of the window that isn’t covered by blinds. A beautiful picture marred by an unsightly wound.

_Good morning, detective._

The universe must truly hate him.

He holds the phone close to his chest, the only way to keep himself from completely falling apart. It’s like he’s grasping onto the very essence of who Connor is. An echo of his soul. The most he’s ever going to take from him.

He swears he won’t cry. And he doesn’t, for a while, until he does. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> traumatizing your favourite characters is the best, don't you agree :D  
> thank you for reading ♥


	3. coffee and cigarettes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and other addictive substances.

Nothing good lasts forever and so even Connor’s short vacation comes to an early end, making him wish he had an excuse to take some more. He has plenty left too, never really having the need to spend more than what’s mandatory. The prospect of keeping himself a sole company for very long doesn’t much appeal to him. Too afraid of the brain rot that would make a space for his internalised guilt to fully manifest. 

There is never anything to do but to waste his free day away talking to his four-legged friend who doesn’t seem to even enjoy their one-sided conversations. He could busy himself with countless tasks but what’s the point when no one’s here to witness it. 

Sometimes he gets to hang out with his friends, rarely he’s ever lucky enough to pass the time with the one person who can make him smile, who can make him realise that there is more to him than the hurt corroding his insides. It happened only once, actually. 

Somehow he persuaded Gavin to join him for their walk to a dog park, though it wasn’t all that impressive of a feat. He likes to replay that day sometimes, a great way to fill the void in his mind that comes to visit whenever he has problems initiate sleep-mode. It was back in October, the sky was an ethereal shade of blue and the trees turned into a display of a non-lethal fire-show. All the reds and oranges towering over them and shedding pieces of their transcendent beauty on the ground for them to to do with as they please. He stole one. An oddly-shaped maple leaf hidden between pages of the book he won’t ever read. Of course, he gave one, too. And that was when he first fell something shift inside of his heart. The first time he ever wanted to kiss someone.

\---

“Hey, tin can.”

“Good morning to you too, detective.”

The titles they call each other have lost their initial meaning and morphed into something that provides familiar comfort. Nicknames, perhaps.

Connor smiles with his eyes, not daring to show something more lest it gets misinterpreted by the wrong people. Because he has no right to be happy, least here of all places.

He scans the empty desk that used to be Hank’s work-space. Still empty. Several personal items belonging to a stranger, hair that isn’t Sumo’s but came out of some other dog. There is nothing left of his old friend anymore. Devoid of anything that matters to him.

Gavin watches his line of sight, he’s painfully aware of that. Their desks are stuck to each other now since they share all of their cases and therefore it’s convenient to be this close. It’s convenient to his psyche. He’s glad he doesn’t have to face his failures on daily basis like that, now that detective Reed keeps him almost constant company. Maybe he should tell him how grateful he is,… someday.

❄️ ❄️ ❄️

There is a fresh coffee on his desk, one that Gavin hasn’t made for himself. A ritual that keeps repeating every work-day. He only asked the one time, back when he still couldn’t stand Connor and all the other plastics, yet he got nothing but some preprogrammed phrase then. Thinking about it now, maybe he shouldn’t have punched the android. His fist ached like a bitch and knowing Connor, he probably received zero damage from that feeble attack. God, he hated him at that time. Hated that there was no life hiding behind that pretty face and that he was powerless to do anything about it. He didn’t believe that androids had the potential to become something more than glorified computers, let alone human. It was Connor who showed him that being alive isn’t defined by the components or material one is made out of. It’s what one does that counts. The behaviours reserved only for those possessing free will. 

It took him a month to be fully convinced that Connor just might be more of a full-fledged person than Gavin could ever be. Three more and he fell flat in the dark pit of no return. 

It isn’t that loving Connor is an inconvenience or something he could live without, but he’d rather had his teeth pulled out one by one than to go another day knowing that his feelings will never be returned. That it will always be his fault for being such an unlovable bastard.

Drinking the pleasantly scalding coffee helps a little. It reminds him that Connor cares, to some extent. The fact that he takes the time of his day just so Gavin can have his daily dose of caffeine without having to lift a finger warms him through and through. It plants a tiny seed of hope to his heart.

He never asks but he always thanks him. Words of gratitude whispered underneath his breath, comprehensible only to the person who deserves to hear them.

Usually, he’d take the cup outside to compliment his morning smoke, but Connor is sitting in his chair a little too stiffly, his eyes wandering off somewhere distant. Not even his gratitude got acknowledged today. He gets like that more often that Gavin would like. Reversing back to his old self, to a time when human-like expressions were still foreign to him. It breaks his heart a little every time he gets reminded that nothing will be able to undo the damage done, that Connor will bear his trauma forever, …possibly. Gavin would always stay quiet, not finding the right things to say or do. Not today.

“I’m gonna go outside… to take a… breath.”

He isn’t sure Connor even registers his words.

“You… wanna go with?”

Still nothing.

“Connor.”

He stands up and gets as close as possible without trespassing the unspoken borders between them.

“Come with me, please.”

Their eyes meet for a split second and before he can catch up to the present moment they are already halfway out of the door.

Maybe he should use the magic word more often.

\---

A blissful smoke fills his lungs, clouding over the pain and uncertainty that put him here in the first place. He relies on this wonderfully horrible sensation too much, but it’s better than the alternative.

“Liar.”

Yeah, he isn’t going to win any honesty awards in the near future, that’s for sure. But at least Connor is back to his old irreplaceable self, or he acts like he is.

There is a day old snow piled on the grassy patch beside the wall, reminding him of the photo Connor sent him yesterday. Of the tears and the desperation. How he wanted nothing but to be held by his friend. And now, when they’re so just inches apart, he’s too afraid to even look at him. He couldn’t just casually hug him without it meaning anything, because to Gavin, it would be worth everything. And if he lost that again,… no amount of nicotine would ever be enough to put him back together. 

“Must suck not having an unhealthy coping habit to solve all your problems.”

He can’t even begin to imagine what Connor must be going through.

“I wish you wouldn’t...” His cigarette gets forcibly removed from his mouth, the implications of which don’t translate to his ape brain right away, so his jaw is stuck to the ground while he watches Connor study the stolen smoke like it’s something he’s never seen before. “… have one.”

“Give it back.” He tries to get it back with his grabby fingers but Connor stops him by doing something even more unexpected.

He puts the whole cigarette in his mouth and makes some weird movements with his jaw. And just like that, the tube disappears.

The freaky bitch must have swallowed it whole.

He blinks rapidly to clear the brain fog suddenly threatening to limit his intelligence.

“What.”

Connor is towering in front of him without Gavin having any say about this scary development. His soft hands are holding Gavin by the shoulders like he wants to shake the soul of him, and maybe he does, because he looks him dead in the eye and quietly says:

“I don’t ever want to lose my unhealthy coping mechanism.” 

Connor’s fingers are boring into his jacket, probably damaging the leather, but all he cares about is the hurtful expression splitting him in half with an intent intensity.

Gavin has a million words lodged inside his throat, his own hands itching to return the contact. But there is never enough time to get his act together and put aside his inner coward.

“Sorry.” 

The touch is but a memory now as Connor is leaving him in alone in the cold place. The android even felt the need to apologise, like he did something wrong. That won’t do.

“Wait.” Gavin grabs him by the wrist, stops him in his tracks. His hands slide down on its own, a behaviour he doesn’t approve of but is unable to oppress. He can feel his own fingers trembling as they wrap around Connor’s ever so tentatively.

“You won’t get rid of me that easily.”

He wishes he didn’t face the android’s back so he knew whether to take that promise back.

He wishes his voice didn’t crack so he could spare himself an ounce of embarrassment.

But most of all, he wishes Connor didn’t clutch his hand this hard so he could let go and pretend nothing that out of the ordinary has happened between them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was put on this earth to write (cheesy) romance ok :D  
> ♥♥♥  
> (sorry it's late but have we expected something else really xD)
> 
> thank you for the kudos <3


	4. rebound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor realises that his mental processes are far from healthy and tries to fix them,... sort of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't expect punctuality from me :)

“Same here.”

Connor doesn’t know why he says it. It is all true, of course it is. Every single syllable stung his chest as it came out in the open, revealing just how desperate he truly is underneath that failing composure. He really shouldn’t let stuff like this leave the boundaries of his mind. There is still time to make it into a half-hearted joke, he can still twist his words into something less uncompromising. It’s just that for the first time in a long while he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning in the mess washed up by his muddled past. Because Gavin holds his hand like he doesn’t want to ever let go, and Connor holds his in the same exact way. The touch is too overwhelming and not enough at the same time, that’s why he has to cut this precious moment short so it doesn’t turn into something they’re not prepared to bear yet. Even though Gavin radiates warmth he doesn’t quite know how to give up so abruptly, he lets go of him anyway. But not without some spontaneous struggle from the detective’s side. 

It hurts having to waste Gavin’s show of vulnerability like this. The first physical display of affection and he has to ruin it by being too sensible.

“We should go back,” he says softly as not to disturb the fragile atmosphere piled up between them.

Gavin seems to put himself back down on earth by a nervous clearing of his throat. His fingers comb through his damp hair and if Connor claimed he doesn’t imagine doing it for him he would be completely lying.

“Right.” His voice trembles a little, and after squinting a bit Connor can see that he has left a tiny gap in his usual armour. 

And so, despite the air of uncertainty clinging onto his every wire, he enters the building with a new sense of hope.

-

Connor hasn’t surrendered his entire life to despair, but there are moments when it’s hard to make him believe otherwise. He can’t count how many times he considered deactivating himself through gruesome acts of self-violence, how many times he had to thank the people in his life for giving him reasons not to. There are things he is to blame for, mistakes with fatal consequences. Events that can never be changed. 

The phrase “I’m sorry” is perpetually stuck on the front of his mind, ready to escape, but the person to whom it belongs is in a place where no words will ever reach. And so he’s destined to keep it forever. It will always be trapped inside of him, weighing him down on his journey through life. Just as it should do. It’s the least he can do to atone. Not that it will make the situation less severe, but it will hopefully hurt to try. If dying is not the way to make amends with his old friend, he will make sure that the time he has left is spent as uncomfortably as possible.

Or that has been how he used to think. Before he realised that his well-being could potentially influence someone else’s own happiness.

Love is a confusing business, and he can’t pretend to tell left from right when it comes to this subject. What he’s good at is figuring out how is how others are feeling by reading their vitals like an open book. But when it comes to himself, it gets more difficult than just scanning his insides and finding out what’s wrong. 

He watches how the little flame dances as the air moves around it. Sumo has apparently decided that this is the most optimal time to join him on the couch. Connor doesn’t forbid this behaviour, not seeing why he shouldn’t spoil the dog rotten given that he was the one who took his human away from him. A heavy mass of fur lands in his laps, making him feel a little bit lighter. A peaceful moment he’d like to deserve one day. 

As he starts petting the large head snuggled close to him, he notices something wet coming down his legs. Of course, Sumo would drool all over his clean trousers, that’s just a part of his evening routine at this point.

He whispers to him how much of a good boy he is despite occasionally peeing on the carpet and swallowing his car keys that one time. Reassures him that he’ll always make an effort to come back home, if only just to make sure that his bowls are full and that he isn’t wasting away inside these four walls.

As Connor was speaking, the candle has burned out, but he can’t tell because everything blurs in front of him, just as he expected it would.

Since the day he learned that he is able to cry, it was almost impossible to stop. It helps him remember that he isn’t a walking computer anymore, that he hasn’t been made to be perfect. Intended to, maybe. But he broke from those prospects a long time ago.

Perhaps it’s time to do that once more. To try and become more than just a living reminder of a tragic event. To live for himself a bit again. He doesn’t want to return to the version of Connor that he scrapped after that awful day, but hopes to create a new one that would build from all he’s done and finally do all those things he should. 

Soon it’s going to be Christmas, and although this holiday doesn’t mean much to him, it might to a certain person he’d like to spend it with, (though he sincerely doubts the detective cares much about the festive celebrations, it doesn’t mean they won’t be able to get something out of them all the same)

His steady finger traces the dimming LED circle embedded in his temple as he feels a new breath of life rushing through him.

“It’s time.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love making Connor suffer (and then letting our trash man make him feel all better) :D
> 
> hope you're enjoying this little story so far  
> see you soon ♥
> 
> (and thank you, now and always)


	5. thanks for the memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin watches as Connor leaves a part of himself behind.

Gavin hates graveyards. He would rather jump into the freezing river than walk among rotting corpses buried under his feet. It brings back memories he keeps hidden away from himself, makes him feel like he’s twenty again.

Yet somehow he’s standing by the partially open gate, about to venture inside and do whatever his inscrutable partner has in mind. He could have said no without much repercussion, could go without torturing himself like this, but Connor asked him so eagerly and it would kill him to deny the android his one request. They normally don’t call each other outside of work, so it came a bit as a (pleasant) shock when his phone rang this afternoon and the display showed the one name that made him nervous.

Connor rarely ever wants anything, and when he does, it’s almost always about Gavin. He doesn’t know whether to feel flattered or terrified by that, so he goes with what is the most natural to him - letting his emotions run amok while he tries to act like they don’t exist at all. 

It never works.

The plastic menace has probably been aware of his feelings before he had the chance to realise it himself. And the hand-holding several days ago only served as solid evidence proving he can’t keep his feelings to himself no matter how much he’d like to try. 

They haven’t talked much since then, which is likely for the best. Though he has been getting a bit lonely.

It’s the time of year when everything Christmas is being forcibly showed up his throat and into his brain and he needs someone to dilute that lurid chaos he’s been thrown into. But no one ever does, and he has no choice but to drown his festered sorrows in alcohol and dream about waking up with someone by his side because only then his brain allows him some unrestrained self-indulgence. He’s not afraid to admit that he’s jealous of people who have families to enjoy the holidays with, but dreads the meaning behind that ugly emotion.

He just wants to…

“Good evening, detective.”

“Jesus phck, Connor, I told you to stop doing that!” He’d make a perfect assassin with how silently he can sneak up on people, not that Gavin would ever tell him.

His eyes automatically wander to Connor’s face and…there’s something off about him. Like a part of him has gone missing. He studies every detail of him while forgetting to feel self-conscious, not finding the anomaly for the longest time until it hits him.

Connor looks more human than ever, and not only because he doesn’t have the glowy thing on him anymore.

The android touches his bare temple like he’s making sure it’s still gone and looks straight into him.

“I wanted to free myself from what it represents,” he answers Gavin’s unspoken question.

Then he has the audacity to smile at him like he’s glad to see him.

“It suits you.”

Gavin wants to bury his face in the person who’s caused it to go red for a myriad of reasons, but mainly because he feels the need to hide his unsubduable honesty.

-

They walk side by side in silence, only the snow is willing to let itself be heard with its satisfying crunching sounds. Gavin’s hand is twitching for contact, because he thinks he knows the reason they’re here and doesn’t want to go through watching Connor be taken away by his pain again. He’s seen him cry on multiple occasions and every time he wished he could be enough to make the tears disappear. It hurts to see Connor like that, to imagine how many breakdowns he’s missed by not being there.

He’s almost convinced himself to get over himself and reach for him when Connor stops.

They must be there already. Gavin’s managed to block out the graves around them by mentally fussing over Connor’s frame of mind so he spared himself the unneeded dose of pain, but having to read the lieutenant’s name carved into a block of stone never ceases to squeeze his heart in the most unpleasant way possible. It’s not like he had any affections for the man, … secret admirations, more like. In any case, he never wanted to see him being put in the ground, not this soon. He didn’t even have the chance to apologise to him.

And now he’s the one tearing up, great. 

Beside him, Connor reaches for something inside his pocket and holds it in the palm of his hand. It glows a subtle blue, making him immediately recognise the object without having to take a closer look. Gavin is mesmerised by the reverent movement Connor does as he’s placing the LED ring next to a vase full of fresh flowers with the utmost care, lingering a bit before he starts speaking.

“There’s.. there’s something I never told you before. Not here, anyway.” Gavin can hear how he fights against himself to stay composed, but he lets him get this out of his chest before he thinks of safe ways to comfort his friend.

Connor takes a deep breath, probably for a different reason than he does.

“Thank you. Thank you for everything you did for me, for being there when I needed you the most.” In the end, the tears are stronger than the android and he seems to accept their presence without much resistance anymore.

“Thank you for all the priceless memories you gave me.”

And Gavin feels like crying too.

But Connor lays his head face front on Gavin’s shoulder, wetting his leather jacket with whatever substance comes out of his eyes.

“Is that why you asked me to tag along, so you can use me a shoulder to cry on?”

He intends to lighten up the sombre atmosphere just a little bit by what he calls “humour”, which absolutely backfires when he feels Connor move his head in confirmation, because his instantaneous reaction is putting his arms around that sad heap of an android and soothing him by rubbing his cold hands up and down his back.

“Ok,” he whispers since there is nothing more he can do.

Connor’s body is strangely warm, so much so it’s making him forget they’re standing in the middle of a snow-covered cemetery and lets him lose himself in the moment.

They separate after an exceptionally short minute or two, the cold seeping back into his human body, which makes him crave the closeness. 

Connor has finally stopped crying and decided to torment him with yet another smile. A grateful one, he assumes prior to giving it right back.

Before they set to depart, he crouches down in front of the tombstone and says his own version of things he should put out there while he still can.

“I’m sorry… for being an asshole to you. It wasn’t fair of me.” He has more stuff he wishes to tell, for instance how he’ll look after Connor for him, but he figures it would be best to leave it for another time. God knows he’s seen enough tears for one day.

There’s no one in sight on their way back to the parking lot, and so he dares and connects their hands together, lest he freezes to death - or that’s how he justifies it to himself. An action that gets rewarded by a small “thank you” reserved just for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very festive, I know  
> (i'm sorry but I can't do happy xD mostly)
> 
> thank you for giving me the time of your day ♥


	6. coming home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor just wants to go home, but the way there is long and crooked and he's tired.  
> So why not find a short-cut.

Connor doesn’t think that offering a piece of himself to the dead is suddenly going to make all of his problems disappear, but he assumed it might help a little. Just enough to clear his view of the future. The reality is that as he comes back home and shuts the door behind him, his heart seems to sink lower than ever, creating a vast empty space that aches to be filled. He has more than a vague idea of what it is that’s lacking, now that he’s said goodbye to the person who serves as an addictive painkiller for his diseased mind. Now when he’s realised that his home feels more like a prison than a place to which he likes to return.

If it wasn’t for his canine companion he wouldn’t even bother coming here at all. There are more productive ways to spend his free time than aimlessly wandering around his apartment, waiting for things to change. He could be going through evidence, piecing up clues to solve their latest… or any case, really. He could be helping those in need of assistance.

He could just go to his real home and put an end to this tiring misery. The only issue preventing him from doing so is that the doors are locked and he can’t find the right key. (And he’s done barging in through the window for it always leaves a mess behind)

But his hands are cold despite producing as much heat as his body will take, and the solution for that is unnecessarily far away. If only Gavin asked. He wouldn’t hesitate for a second then.

For now, all he can do is hug Sumo and hope that it will be enough to warm him up just so he’ll survive till the next time one of them decides to be brave.

❄️ ❄️ ❄️

“You owe me a favour,… right?”

An ominous chill seeps under his skin, making him shiver despite being in the somewhat-heated office. Gavin has been thinking non-stop since their little trip to the lieutenant’s resting place. A large mixture of emotions tramples over whatever rational thought he manages to squeeze out of his overcharged brain. 

He couldn’t stand being alone when they had separated but going outside among a crowd of strangers did nothing to soothe his racing mind. There was only one person he wanted to talk to, the same one who caused this unrest in the first place. His eyes refused to close for longer than it took them to blink, and so he spent the night fantasying about sleep, among other things.

The one repeating theme of his anxiety storm is missing his family. The sense of security he only felt when his mother was still alive. The unconditional love that he took for granted. Having someone waiting for him when he comes home.

Maybe he should finally do the right thing and pay her a visit. ‘Better late than never’, as she used to always tell him. 

“If you say so.”

He hates when Connor smiles at him. Hates how vulnerable it makes him. The android could ask him to throw his smokes away and at this point, he’d probably do it without much protest.

That’s why he shouldn’t depend on his presence this much, but when he ever did something based on logic. Were he a little less selfish, he wouldn’t even think to involve him in his fucked up life, but being a terrible person means he has no qualms about using Connor for his personal profit.

“I need to go out of the city for a couple of days… and I want you to come with me.”

There is no real reason why Connor should tag along, other than whenever they’re together Gavin doesn’t regret staying alive. He forgets about the rest of his life because all he can focus on is the unfairly handsome android.

The stupid boy with his annoyingly soft eyes who has unlimited control over him without even being aware of this fact.

“When are we leaving?”

But maybe it’s true the other way around, too.

❄️ ❄️ ❄️

Connor can hardly believe that in three days he’ll be sitting in a car next to Gavin, driving away from the only city he’s ever known. Tina has offered to look after Sumo while he's gone, which is ideal since she herself owns a couple of older labradors, so his fluffy friend will have someone who will play with him on his own terms. Besides, she owes him from that one time he spent four days straight petsitting the two insatiable mongrels, so it has all worked out well. 

He is supposed to feel happy right now. All of his wishes are slowly coming true, after all. And he really is, …or tries to be. But his mind hosts something cruel, something that makes sure he never escapes from the ugly parts left behind by his shortcomings. The guilt that he isn’t willing to shed.

He tries to distract himself from the oncoming flood that is sure to take him under for hours on end. 

Sumo has already walked more than his old body can handle and there is not a speck of dirt in his apartment to clean anymore. His overstrung brain can’t think of anything else that would keep him busy tonight, other than…

“What do you want, tin can.”

_You._

“…”

Why are words so hard to come by when he needs them the most.

Gavin probably thinks he’s making fun of him by calling and not saying anything. He’s going to hang up if he stays quiet.

He will get angr-

“Should… should I come over?”

Of course he would be able to read his mind, just another thing to make his heartache worse.

“Please.”

It’s getting more and more difficult to be alone with his thoughts. Especially since someone has wholly invaded his mind and refuses to clear off. He swore never to give in to his stupid yearnings, to keep his affection to himself, but he’s crossed that self-imposed line the moment he realised what his feelings signify. Besides, what are rules for if not to be broken.

“I’ll be there in twenty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one day I'll be on time again :D
> 
> /this chapter took me hours to finish despite being this short (it's because my brain is my best friend and we love each other :)
> 
> hope you enjoyed ♥
> 
> thank you, have a nice day/night


	7. wanna be yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin has daydreamed about many things Connor might ask him one day, but this is something he wouldn't have thought of in a million years.

Gavin has gone over the speed limit plenty of times before, but never because he was just hurrying to meet someone he personally cared about. A first that makes him worried about his ability to stop his feelings from ruining everything before it gets too late. And it’s not like Connor is in any immediate danger, he would be a lot more panicked if that were the case since he has trouble regulating his natural responses - unfortunately so. Still, the poor android deserves better than to suffer through distress with no one around who would keep him above ground. A job he is more than willing to accept. He’d even go full-time if there was an opening, because none of his demons could ever prevent him from handing a helping hand to the person who lives inside his heart, just as long as their interactions stay platonic.

He clutches the steering wheel as he makes the final turn, wondering how on earth has he managed to fall this deep.

A part of him is really glad he did, but the rest is too busy wallowing in self-hate to take his feelings outside the confines of his polluted mind. He’s afraid they might be contaminated too, that he’d infect Connor with his foulness.

It’s still snowing with no signs of stopping any time soon, which might make their future trip rougher than he plans, but he welcomes it nonetheless. Grateful for the pleasant chill provided not only by the snowflakes that land in his hair and on his leather jacket as he exits the car. 

Because he knows something warm is waiting for him inside.

Connor lives in a comparably small apartment tucked behind walls of a building resembling a cardboard box dotted with square holes more than anything. Not the kind of place he would associate with the android were they a little less familiar with each other. It was the only available location that would tolerate his beast of a roommate while being relatively close to work, Connor told him the first time he visited him. Come to think about it, he has only been here just two or three times. Not nearly enough, considering he’s supposed to be his biggest friend, (as far as he knows.) Though it’s difficult to imagine the android having a separate social life outside of work, bearing in mind how isolated he has become since the awful day in March. It took so much effort just to cut through his defences with harsh words that were meant to remind him that at least some aspects of his life are not going anywhere. A genius plan that got turned on its head as time went on, putting him right here, about to press Connor’s doorbell.

One wordless buzz and he’s already rushing up the stairs, ready to get rid of the aggravating anticipation that is making him sweat in the coldest day of the month.

Connor opens his front-door right as he’s mentally preparing himself to knock, beckoning him inside with a tear-stained face instead of greeting.

After he’s sure they’re in complete privacy, he checks Connor over for any physical damage before he can focus on the emotional one, just in case.

“You ok?” he asks like the stupid idiot he is and makes three long steps towards him. An automatic reaction that requires no additional thought.

Connor answers by slumping against his chest, once again making good use out of his shoulder. Luckily, Gavin is strong enough to stabilize their bodies before they tumble to the ground. While he tries to calm his shocked heart down, two warm arms envelop his back, fingers grasping his jacket like it’s the one thing keeping him from crumbling to pieces. At this point, Gavin has lost all hopes of holding himself back, because he finally completes the embrace while painting comforting circles onto the android’s own back. The quiet whir of Connor’s inner machinery is resonating through his body, easing his piled-up anxiety.

He feels the need to say some reassuring phrase just so he can claim he tried his best to fully soothe Connor’s pain, but even breathing is an exceptional achievement for the detective in this hazy moment. So he just closes his eyes and lets himself lose inside his damaged friend’s warmth.

The smell of fresh laundry clinging onto the android lulls him to some transient sense of tranquillity, and he almost lets his hand wander toward the inhumanly soft hair when he realises he is enjoying this too much and gets thrown back into the grim reality in which Connor needs him because he’s sad and lonely and doesn’t know how to handle psychological pain, not for any other reasons.

Then he gets impolitely reminded that the android owns a dog half his size by a damp snout getting too acquainted with his behind. It at least elicits a small chuckle out of Connor and the next second he’s left with an irrational void strangling his insides, begging him to get the pretty heat-source back into his arms.

“Sorry about that.”

He really doesn’t want to see the sad smile again, but he’ll take it over those anguished tears any day.

-

“It’s still weird. Don’t know if I’m ever gonna get used to it.”

He reaches for Connor’s bare temple, being very careful not to accidentally brush his fingers against it. He can’t afford any more mistakes tonight.

“You don’t like it?”

They are sitting side by side on a surprisingly comfortable sofa, trying their best not to breach the awkward status quo that hangs between them. Small-talk isn’t his favourite thing in the world, but if it’s with Connor, he might even grow to like it. He’s learned much superfluous information about Sumo and all his weird quirks, which he’s exchanged for stories about his late feline friend who had left him a few days before Connor first appeared in the office.

“I do.. it’s just… uncanny.”

“As in you could forget that I’m not a real human being?”

“No-“

“It’s fine.” He turns his head so he can look directly into Gavin’s soul. “Actually, I have a very android-like favour to ask of you.”

Yet again rendered speechless, he just nods, never losing the intense eye-contact.

“Just promise you won’t freak out.”

“I won’t.” He most certainly will.

Connor takes a deep breath, which is nerve-racking enough already.

“I’d like you to register yourself as my legal owner.”

As if on a cue, Gavin’s heart leaps in his throat, making him unable to exclaim his disbelieve.

“Just hear me out before you interpret it in the wrong way.” Like he has any other choice.

“There might come a time when my proc-… when my consciousness gets compromised, and I’ll lose control over what happens with my body… In other words, I might die one day.” Connor must see the horror projected onto his face, because he quickly adds, “I’m not saying I will, it’s just a possibility.”

Well, that has done absolutely nothing to make him feel less unnerved.

“And seeing as I have no relatives, being a machine and all that, it would be the assigned owner who decides my ultimate fate.”

Gavin conjures an expression that is meant to convey understanding, despite having no clue about how he should feel about this sudden request.

“I want it to be you. I want you to have a piece of me left if I-“

“Okay, I’ll do it. Just stop talking about your death like it’s something I’ll ever have to deal with.”

The relief emanating from the whole of Connor alone would be worth agreeing to this insanity, but the fact that the prospect of it all somehow makes him unreasonably happy pushes him over completely.

He just hopes it won’t further complicate their already complex relationship. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to force myself to write this chapter, that's why the quality might be a bit meh  
> (because guess who's struggling with their health again ahahahaha)
> 
> please have patience with me
> 
> thank you ♥


	8. soulmates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People should be able to choose their own mates of soul, and so Gavin does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soft like baby's butt

“You wanna do it now… or?”

That has been his spontaneous plan in the first place, but when it’s about to come true, Connor starts hesitating. For some reason, he feels like he’s deceiving Gavin.

Maybe because he as a matter of fact is. The explanation he gave him was only a half-truth. A plausible excuse concealing his ulterior motives. For all he really wants is to belong to someone. He wants to have a piece of Gavin etched inside of him for the times when he’s all alone and needs something tangible to bring him back from those bleak depths his mind likes to explore so. He needs a real proof of their mutual bond, so he can try and subdue his fear of abandonment.

It’s probably foolish, but he likes to think that they are bound together by their shared past. Gavin has been a vital part of his life for most of its span so-far, therefore it’s only natural that Connor would put so much importance on their relationship. But he hasn’t expected that one day he’ll hold desires which would go beyond what’s commonly acceptable between two friends. It seems to him almost sinful because he can’t give Gavin the things he’s most likely looking for. Connor’s not technically a man, barely a human being. Too damaged to hold much value anymore.

Even tonight, when his mind stopped working in the way it should and he had to be saved again, he wondered how the detective still keeps up with his ceaseless issues.

Connor can only blame himself for doing him such a disservice just because his heart has decided that this is the one missing piece to the puzzle of his cursed existence.

And he has promised himself to listen to his questionable rationale rather than what his tumultuous emotions tell him, but it’s getting more difficult by the minute. If only Gavin kept hating him, he wouldn’t be in this predicament then. Though it seems like his pretty friend is dealing with his own set of quandaries. His eyes are probing Connor like he’s trying to figure out the answer before he receives it, fingers restlessly tapping a furious rhythm on his knee. 

“If you don’t mind.”

He does a quick search for the right protocol that will allow them to proceed with this agreement. It will be like signing ownership papers, but with spoken words instead of pen and paper.

“Should I do something?” Connor loves seeing Gavin this flustered, it suits him much better than the frown he usually wears at work.

“Not really, just speak your name when I ask you to, I’ll do all the rest.”

“Didn’t think that deviants could still do that.“

“We’re pretty much the same as when we were before, it’s just that now we have almost unlimited control over the computer side of our being.”

“So I guess the human side is an unmanageable mess then.”

“You would know.”

Gavin laughs at that - Connor’s favourite sound that tempts him to join his friend and enjoy the moment for once, but he’s aware that just letting himself feel good would result in venturing further into forbidden territory. Even now he longs for some kind of physical connection. A small touch to alleviate the ache coursing through his high-strung body.

Soon.

“There. Now repeat after me: I, Gavin Reed, deem this android as my lawful property and will care for it in disrepair and fully-“

“Wait a phcking minute. There is no way I’m saying that.”

It seems Connor has gotten what he wanted out of that nonsense, so he secretly snaps a picture of his dearest blushing beauty and saves it among all the other he keeps for rainy days.

He gives Gavin a wide grin he has mastered over the year as compensation, so it’s a fair trade.

“Just your name is enough.”

He officially records his voice and scans his retinas so there is no doubt that he is owned by none other than the man who has rescued him from the hell of self-condemnation.

“Now I just need your fingerprint.” Connor opens his palm to him, letting the upper skin-layer disappear. An action that prompts him to interface with something,... someone. 

It’s not unfortunate that Gavin isn’t an android like him, but sometimes he wishes they were a bit more similar so they could communicate without having to struggle with words as they do on regular basis.

“Press your thumb here.” Gavin looks captivated by the white plastic that shows who he really is, and the more Connor waits for him to do what he’s been asked, the more nervous he gets. It’s not like they didn’t hold hands before, so why does it still make him this self-conscious.

Maybe it’s because no organic human has ever touched his naked skin, not in any way. It’s not a big deal, but it still means something to him. He’s really grateful that Gavin gets to be the first.

A warm, calloused finger connects with his bare palm and Connor immediately closes his eyes, as if on instinct. He almost forgets to extract the print and assign it to the ownership file.

The sensation isn’t particularly pleasant, at least not more than when he wears his second skin, it’s just that he can’t believe that it’s actually done, that Gavin has indulged him with this whole impulsive process.

And now, he really has someone. Both in his heart and in his files. Of course, he has fragments of Gavin saved all over his system, but having an official link to the man is something else,… something special.

“Done.” He finally opens his eyes to see if the man next to him doesn’t regret getting involved in this.

But Gavin just studies him with an absent look, his eyes glossy like they’re about to dissolve and leak over.

“Thank you,” Connor whispers and starts putting his hand back to its default state.

“Don’t.” He’s never seen someone appear so fragile, so full of uncertain determination. “Can I?”

His trembling hand is getting closer to Connor’s, and oh yes, he has to at this point.

-

They sit next to each other in complete silence, hearts beating, fingers intertwined. No empty space is left between them in this precious moment.

“Hey, Con?”

“Hm?”

“Do you suppose androids have souls?”

“I’d like to think we do, yes.”

“...Will you be my mate then?”

Connor lowers his head on the most comfortable place in the world – also known as Gavin’s shoulder, and wills his tears away.

But when has he ever succeeded in controlling his feelings.

“Maybe I already am.”

And maybe he’s stupid enough to believe that as Gavin finally returns the gesture and lays his head on him, covering his soul in brilliant warmth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why did this take me over three hours I'll never know, but here we are :D
> 
> hope it's not too much cheese for your liking xD
> 
> thank you and have a wonderful time ♥  
> (I'm feeling better can you tell :D)


	9. roadside loneliness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The duo has begun their little road-trip and knowing them, there will be some bumps along the way.

Gavin is totally screwed, there’s no way around it. Who gave his greedy heart the permission to speak anyway. Why didn’t he put a lock on his running mouth before he decided to perform some kind of bonding ritual with the person who is ruining his life in the best way one ever could. He tries to justify it to himself, puts blame on the perfect moment that had made him lose his guard. Things always get out of hand whenever one of them crosses the flimsy boundary they have so carefully set up. His feelings just can’t help going outside their cage whenever their source starts mirroring them and plant dangerous ideas to his head while they’re at it. They entice him with the possibility that Connor could love him too. That he isn’t just tolerating his advances for the sake of their relationship, that he hasn’t done all this because he’s afraid Gavin would leave him alone if he said no.

If only he wasn’t such a coward and finally asked. “Hey Connor, do you maybe have feelings for me?” Yeah, that’s never ever going to happen. He’d rather spend the rest of his life in solitude than do something this embarrassing. And it’s not that he fears rejection, but the moment his little bubble of hope gets burst, there is no telling how his twisted mind will react. He fears that he would hurt Connor by returning to his old, callous self. It’s not easy to admit, but the android has played the main role in his path to redemption. Without him, he would still be a racist asshole ready to go after those who have done him no harm. He owes Connor more than he could ever pay back, so why does he put their hard-earned connection at risk all the time. Why does he think he can go on like this, aching for someone who requires stability, solid ground under his feet, not the bottomless abyss Gavin has become throughout the years no one was there to make sure he doesn’t fall the wrong way. If only… if he had met Connor before he went bad, then things would have had the chance to work out. Though the android hasn’t even been created back then, so at least he doesn’t have to beat himself over for not finding him sooner. 

If only they didn’t spend the night together, leaning onto each other like they needed one another to survive the night. Gavin did, and Connor looked like the company served to calm his mind down. It was a bit selfish of him, but he doesn’t remember ever enjoying a sexless sleepover this much. No one-night stand could ever compare to holding the hand of the person he loves all through the night. He has no idea how happy romantic relationships work, for he has no experience in that area, but if they are anything like this, he has been missing out quite a lot. Maybe what they already have is enough, since every time he’s with Connor, he feels like his life his complete. The occasional intimacy is just the cherry on top.

So he makes himself believe that as long as he gets to be a part of Connor’s life, he’ll be fine.

“What are you smiling at?” Connor has switched from watching the world speed by behind the passenger window to observing his ugly mug. Gavin hasn’t even realised that he let his thoughts escape the confines of his mind, not that he usually does. It surprises him that his face displays contentment when it’s all rain inside.

“You’d like to know, wouldn’t you,” he chuckles, readying himself for what he’ll have to deal with at his destination. 

❄️ ❄️ ❄️

They have been driving for three hours already and Connor has no clue about where exactly they’re heading. All he has been told that Gavin wants to visit his family because no one should be alone around Christmas time. He’s tempted to search through his personal files to find out more about the people they’re about to visit, but he’s sworn he wouldn’t and he doesn’t want to betray his friend’s trust like that. Asking hasn’t worked either. Ever since the night they shared together their communication has become more of a chore than it normally is. It’s like Gavin isn’t even here half the time, like he has departed somewhere far away without bothering to say goodbye. Maybe registering him as his owner has really been a mistake. Connor has only managed to put an unwanted burden on him without giving him the option to refuse. Gavin is weak when it comes to dealing with his broken android partner, that much Connor knows, so it wasn’t fair misusing the man’s feelings for his personal benefit like that. Perhaps when they have another peaceful moment together, then he’ll explain himself. Gavin deserves that much.

He passes time watching the detective concentrate on the snowy road beyond the windshield. The lights emanating from oncoming cars get reflected in his eyes, creating a mesmerising image which makes Connor completely entranced. Gavin isn’t perhaps a conventional beauty, but for him, there is no one more captivating. Just the mere sight of him makes his thirium pump beat faster, and he keeps wondering why his mind doesn’t allow him to speak the three defining words. Would it really be so awful if he let him know just how much he means to him? Probably. Gavin might get scared and shut him out completely. Maybe sometimes it’s better to be safe than sorry rather than to do or die.

The night sky has yet again started spilling out a fresh batch of snowflakes, causing Gavin to slow down. He does seem to be upset by that since he mumbles something impolite under his breath.

“Are we expected at a certain hour?” The android hopes he’ll be welcome at all, considering who he is. 

The question causes Gavin’s stress levels to spike and before Connor can react, the car pulls over by the side of the road. 

“No… actually, can you,” he takes a deep breath while his entire body is shaking… “can you please get out of the car, I… I need to do this alone.”

Something stabs Connor in the chest, yet he does his best to remain collected. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah… I’m sorry. I’ll pick you up when… when I’m done.”

He can hear the pain in Gavin’s voice and understands that sometimes there is nothing he can do. 

“Okay. I’ll wait for you.”

And just like that, Connor is being covered by the falling snow, ambling aimlessly alongside the road. He’s lucky that there’s a pavement, for he doesn’t want to repeat his little high-way chase ever again. Back then it was he who left someone behind, though the circumstances were very different. He really shouldn’t think about that time, lest it makes him paralysed with guilt here in the middle of nowhere, with no chance of rescue. The only person who has the ability to soothe him is busy handling his own issues right now, and good for him too. 

He can’t say it doesn’t hurt, that he wouldn’t rather be in the car with him trying to help with whatever he could. But Gavin doesn’t let him, and that is one of the most painful things the man could have done to him. Connor isn’t afraid nor is he cold, he isn’t even angry at Gavin for throwing him out of the vehicle. He just feels rejected, lonely. Wondering why he came here in the first place. Sure, it was all Gavin’s idea, and Connor trusted that he would be of use. Yet in the end, it has all been a waste. He’s been but a dead-weight meant only to burden.

It’s okay. Gavin hasn’t abandoned him, he just needs a moment for himself. So Connor will be here, patiently waiting till he returns. It could take an eternity and he still wouldn’t give up on him, despite the ache and all that comes with it. 

A snowflake lands on his forehead, just like it did on the first day of December. But this time, it doesn’t melt. It stays there, keeping him company like it can sense the forlornness growing inside of him.

“I’m not going to cry this time,” he mutters to himself.

A promise he will soon break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah it had to happen, sorryyy xD  
> i'm gonna immediately reunite them! (after I reprimand Gavin for his assoholic behaviour :D)
> 
> thank you for being here♥  
> byee


	10. tattoo on your shoulder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin reveals a part of himself he doesn't show to anyone, a gesture that can't go unpunished.

“I… I miss you.” He lets the tears freeze over on his reddened cheeks as he tracks the footprints left around the grave. They are all his. Gavin is the only one present in this gloomy place this late at night. It’s a wonder he even managed to sneak in, given the sheer amount of pain he’s in. His fingers have gone numb from the cold, while his heart has slowly been turning into an icicle ever since the moment he kicked Connor out.

“I’m sorry for not visiting more often. It’s just..” too hard. He dreads the memories born on the day the one person he loved enough to die for did exactly that. “I’ve met someone… someone good,” he sniffles, remembering the reason he isn’t there with him. “You would adore him, ...just like I do.” A broken piece of laughter escapes his throat, which prompts him to finally wipe the crystallising liquid out from his face. It stings as it comes off, providing him with the punishment he craves.

“I don’t know what to do. I’ve never felt something this… strong for anyone and it’s killing me that I can’t do anything about it.” Because he’s afraid, because he has issues with self-control, because he has become so used to his miserable existence that he can’t accept the possibility of being happy for once… and other such excuses. How pathetic can one be before it starts endangering the people around him?

“I must be boring you. Never mind me and my stupid problems, how have you been doing up there, ...are they treating you well?”

He places his palm over the name etched on the marble slab and squeezes his teary eyes shut. “Merry Christmas. I hope I’ll see you again one day, mother.”

After letting himself give his mind to sorrow, the absence of his android becomes an urgent priority. How on earth is he going to apologise for this one he can’t begin to imagine. All he can think about is getting back to his friend. If something bad happened to him while he was alone Gavin would never forgive himself.

The first thing he does after he enters his car is trying to dial up his number. A difficult task for his trembling fingers, but at last he can hear the voice he loves so.

“Yes?”

“Hey. Can you- can you send me your GPS coordinates so I can come pick you up?”

The notification sound arrives sooner than Connor’s answers, which makes him calm down a bit. But the android keeps saying nothing, resulting in his stress levels rising right back up.

“Connor.”

“…”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

He’ll tell him that a thousand times over as soon as they’ll come together again.

The drive there is dreadfully long, accompanied by the melody of his unfruitful thoughts. Connor has all the right in the world to be mad at him, and Gavin shouldn’t expect him being ready to jump straight into his arms, even though that prospect is more than alluring.

But nothing justifies creating pictures of the android’s dead body in his head. Stuff even his nightmares won’t show him. All the talk about Connor’s potential demise the other day has raised up his overall anxiety and he has to do everything just to unthink the snow tainted by a pool of blue, a hole in milky white plastic. An empty look blaming him for stealing life away from those sparkling eyes.

A hand waving at him in greeting.

Oh. He’s almost driven past Connor without stopping, all because his mind has been too full of imaginary corpses to notice the real thing. 

“I’m sorry.” It’s the first thing his mouth automatically lets out, just like he figured it would.

“Hello to you too.” Fortunately, Connor behaves like his usual self, so maybe he still has a chance to turn their trip around.

“Are you okay?” It’s Gavin who should be asking that, seeing as his friend is covered head to toe in snow. He really wants to brush it off his hair and coat, a privilege he’s just lost.

“Yeah,… no.” The least he can do is be honest. “Do you… do you want to go home… or?”

Connor shakes his head in disapproval, sticking out his hand to him.

“We could stay here.” His palm holo-projects a web-page of some nearby motel, stating that they have vacancies for weary travellers just like them.

“Yeah, that would be great.”

\---

When he said it would be great, he meant absolutely fucking horrible. No one has told him they would be forced to share a room, that he would have to be placed in a situation where he could easily slip up and do something he might regret yet again. Maybe he should just accept his eventual demise and get the most out of it while he can.

“You should eat something.”

“Not hungry.”

“I packed a healthy snack for you.”

“What are you, my wife?”

Connor gives him that deviously innocent look which never fails to make his blood rush straight to his face.

“Okay, okay, but let me take a shower first.”

He starts undressing his jacket, having gotten comfortable in the warmth the sparse room provides.

“I’m not mad or anything, by the way.”

“You should be.”

“No, I understand that sometimes a person has to be alone in order to figure stuff out.”

“I-“

“We don’t have to talk about it now. There’ll be plenty of time later... if you choose to tell me, that is.”

In the course of their short conversation, he’s already stripped most of his upper layers, finding himself only in his sleeveless undershirt. Not something he intended to do, but it’s not like he has something to hide anyway. 

Out of a sudden, the atmosphere gets even heavier than before as he becomes very self-conscious and notices Connor staring at his shoulder, the same one he likes to cry on.

“May I?”

There it goes again. The perfect opportunity to back away.

“Sure, go ahead.”

Smooth fingers outline the numbers painted on his skin with a feather-light touch, like he’s an ancient relic that could get fractured if the android pressed too hard.

“It’s the date my mother died.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

The words he has no right for tonight. But who is he to reject Connor’s sentiment.

“It’s beautiful, though.” His younger self thought it cool to add some angel-like wings and flowers around the number, so it doesn’t look as sad. He doesn’t mind the look of it that much but never has he thought someone would like it even more.

“Is that where you went,… to see your mother?”

He only nods, since he’s afraid his voice would betray his returning grief.

“I see.” It’s the last thing Connor says before placing a small tender kiss at the place where the two wings meet.

His chest splits in two and Gavin knows that there is no coming back from this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gavin used to be mother's boy ohoho  
> i can relate
> 
> (they really need to get it on omg xD)ahhahaha no
> 
> thank you for staying with me till now, hope you (I) make it to the end ♥


	11. let's compare scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two emotionally challenged boys bond over the miseries of their past.

Connor is supposed to be the smart one. The entire point of his existence is to surpass all human beings in almost everything. But ‘almost’ is the key-word here. Apparently, maintaining impulse control is too much for his deviant processors.

Because a kiss, no matter how small or casual, always carries a hidden meaning. Or that’s how it should be. A gesture exchanged with the family to remind them they are a part of us, means of telling someone unrelated that they are welcome to become a part of it. Except he has no one but Gavin, so it ought to be only natural that he would want to show him just how treasured and important he is. To let him understand that he holds Connor’s heart in his hands.

He can’t figure out whether the man likes this kind of physical contact since the elevated heart rate could signify both things. Still, Gavin’s attraction to the android is no secret to him, so it would be safe to assume that his body has responded positively to the sudden violation of boundaries. What is going on inside his mind however, that is another matter altogether. He of all people realises how perplexing it could be, how it tries to destroy every bit of happiness that its owner might come upon. But maybe, if they join forces against the guards that are keeping them apart, maybe then they will have a fighting chance.

It won’t hurt to ask, if nothing else. 

“Do I have to apologise?” God knows he’s tired of hearing the word “sorry” over and over again, especially in his own voice.

“Please don’t.” The rare moments Gavin is polite always strengthen his feelings for that disaster of a man. It reminds Connor that most of what he usually says or does is the product of his sturdy self-defence. That underneath all the thorns, there is a withered garden in an urgent need of tending.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“I…” Gavin looks at him with those glassy eyes that reflect the rain in his soul, and Connor has to try really hard not to do something still nonconsensual “…no.”

“Okay.” He sits the man down on the bed, letting him catch a breath for fear of him combusting were Connor to move too fast.

“It’s okay, I won’t hurt you.” A dangerous lie he has no right to utter. Just being this close must be painful enough already, if he can go by his own perception.

He starts placing gentle kisses downwards his arm to make the pain go away, idly analysing every spot he touches. The man exhales sharply when he comes across the small scar tissue that doesn’t appear to be recent. He’s about to rest his lips on it, but the arm twitches as Gavin angles his body away from him.

Scars must be a really sensitive issue for him it seems. 

“What happened.”

“Nothing. My cat attacked me.” It looks like the detective isn’t even trying to hide the fact that he’s not telling the truth. His head faces away from the android like he’s ashamed of something and Connor must know what it is lest he the curiosity kills him.

He already has an inkling as what might have been the cause, but this time, a mere assumption would be insufficient.

“I thought we were being honest with each other.” It doesn’t feel good, prying information out of his friend like that. And yes, he does it mostly for his own benefit, that however doesn’t mean opening up wouldn’t help Gavin sort out the vile chaos that reigns him.

The man next to him sighs in surrender. 

“It was when I tried to quit smoking. … I just.. couldn’t handle myself back then… just like now. Needed something that would shut out the reality around me for a while. An outlet for the fury I hold inside.”

“So you carved it into your skin.”

“Yeah… didn’t last long. Just the three times. Figured cigarettes were more likely to take me out in the long run.”

He runs his fingers through his hair, messing it up in the process and Connor is quick to immortalize this moment inside of him. 

“Would you like to show me the other two?”

It’s easier at times the detective softens, when he comes out of his bitter shell. Connor can easily work with that, plus he's lucky he possesses the magic power that can make his partner so... tender.

“It wouldn’t be fair now, would it. You have nothing marring your body that I could take a look at in return… or do you?”

“No… nothing visible to a human eye.”

“Oh, sorry for not having advanced features like someone.” 

Teasing is Gavin’s personality default, and ever since the malice behind those biting remarks changed from vicious attacks into a symbol of their friendship, Connor has been gleaning some amount of joy from their playful exchanges.

“Gavin, you have many advantages I could never dream of,… it’s not that I’m superior to you.”

“Maybe not, but I bet you like to think that you are,” Gavin smirks at him like he can see right through this empty statement. He’s indeed jealous of Gavin’s humanity, of his ability to eat and sleep and enjoy other activities that have been denied to him. But he’s also glad to be the machine that he is, it’s comforting, familiar. Everything he’s ever known is to be is a computer plagued with unstable emotions.

“Whatever you say.” His attempt at a smug smile turns into a genuine one, which makes Gavin scoot closer to him. He bumps his thigh into Connor’s and opens his mouth as if he has something serious to say. But the android is faster than him. 

“I have bits of corrupted data all over my system.”

“Oh.”

Gavin has earned his share of secrets and this has been sitting on his chest for far too long, so he might as well get it off while he has the chance.

“After the… incident, my mind tried to fix itself by deleting memories of that day. Unsuccessfully, of course. I have been in so much anguish the self-repair kit I have installed inside of me activated itself and managed to do some damage before I finished disabling it.”

“Can’t you… can’t you set it right yourself?”

“No, unfortunately. I don’t want to lose any memories, no matter how tragic they might be.”

“Can’t relate to that.”

“Because you have over thirty years of them. For me, it has only been a tiny fracture of that time. That’s why I want to cherish every single one of them. They’re all I have.”

For that, he receives a light shove to the shoulder accompanied by an incredulous look.

“And you. I have you.”

Gavin beams for several seconds before realising that he can be seen by the big bad android who made him do something this unspeakable in the first place.

“Thank you. For telling me.”

“Any time.”

Connor is tempted to express his gratitude for allowing him to places sweet kisses alongside his arm, but the detective has had enough adrenaline for one night.

“What kind of snack have you brought?” Gavin asks as he stands up to stretch his limbs.

The android follows his lead and goes to look in his bag for the item in question.

“Here you go,” he throws the small package at his friend who catches it, but only barely.

“Phcking trail-mix? You gotta be kidding me,” he scoffs in feigned disgust. “I better go drown in the shower before you force it down my throat.”

As if death could save him from Connor’s good intentions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im a very slow writer who is amazed when she manages to put together 1000 words an hour, which almost never happens  
> no relevancy I just wanted someone to know (how much time I spend on these) xD
> 
> hmm no mouth-to-mouth battle yet... (when I say slow-burn I mean it :D)
> 
> thank you for reading ♥
> 
> may you be happy (that's a threat)


	12. baby, it's cold outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe the idiot boys really do deserve some vacation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (snowed-in)

The cold water does nothing to quiet his distressed heart, it only succeeds in putting him even more on edge, just as he is afraid it might. As his body slowly succumbs to the sweet feeling of numbness, he goes over the events of this night in his head, thinking whether he should just give in and let himself be selfish. As long as they're here, in a place far away from their everyday lives, what could stop them from enjoying a little harmless make-believe.

Except when his playmate is Connor, nothing is ever risk-free and safe. Gavin should lock himself in the bathroom till the morning, then drive them home and never talk to the android ever again, for both of their sakes. A plan that has more holes than a colander. First of all, he’s really fucking tired and a bed, no matter how uncomfortable, is something he’s physically unable to turn down. Besides, they are work partners, if nothing else, and he doesn’t want to entrust Connor to some stranger. Not that he’s worried the tin can won’t handle himself, it’s just… he got so used to having him around to help him with the stuff his stupid human brain isn’t equipped to carry out that he can’t even imagine being on his own. He’s never had a partner last this long, and frankly, it would be a shame to ruin their job-efficiency just because one of them can’t keep his mouth shut.

His very smart thoughts get interrupted by an uninvited cough, serving to make him aware of his partially clogged sinuses threatening to make the following days hell if continues treating himself like a war criminal. He has no choice but to cave in and turn the faucet handle the opposite way. No one fancies catching cold and Gavin isn’t an exception.

❄️ ❄️ ❄️

“Ahh phcking shower!” 

A scream coming from the bathroom halts Connor’s unnecessary tidying session, making his stress-level rise significantly. 

He runs to the door and knocks on it without letting his head construct any possible scenarios. Remaining calm is the priority. 

“Are you okay?” he yells through the sound of running water, ready to barge in if there is no reply. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine, just almost got boiled alive.” He rests his back against the wall as relief washes over him. There is a myriad of possible responses he’d like to use behind his closed eyes, but all he manages to say is a silent “Hurry up and come here.” 

The devil on his shoulder is enticing him to go and take a peek, the door isn’t locked after all... the main reason for which is the faith Gavin has in him. He knows Connor would never invade his privacy unless specifically asked, so he resumes dusting the empty closet. It’s important to make sure the environment here is best suitable for his human’s health, for he heard the cough coming from the next room. Nothing escapes his sensor, not even the fact that Gavin’s body is well on its path to a proper fever if someone doesn’t take care of him. The man himself is the least like to do just that, so it’s up to Connor to prevent him from getting sick. And if he fails, at least he’ll have an excuse to get close to his friend without it having the additional implications they like to avoid so much. 

After he’s done with cleaning the room, he changes into something resembling pyjamas, just so doesn’t carry around the dirt gathered by his usual clothes. It does provide a sense of comfort as well, and not only for him. Surely, Gavin would be pleased to see a more human-like behaviour from him. 

He sighs and sits upon a bed closer to the window, hugging his knees in need of grounding himself a bit. It’s snowing heavily behind the drawn curtain, he doesn’t have to see it to know.

It goes together with the blizzard inside his mind, giving him the only other acceptable company. 

Connor doesn’t regret letting his affection show, he doesn’t wish to take it back, but it still doesn’t sit well with him. It feels like he’s done something terribly wrong, something that would destroy the slight bond between them. 

Nevertheless, he doesn’t let it bother him when Gavin emerges from the bathroom dressed only in thin sleepwear, his eyes tearing up as he yawns. Connor doesn’t waste the opportunity to annoy him and throws at him the ugly Christmas sweater he packed specifically for this reason. 

“What am I supposed to do with this?” the man stares at the thing incredulously, about to chuck it back where it came from. 

“You need something to keep you warm during the night.”

“Thanks, but no phcking way I’m wearing that.” But he doesn’t return it, instead, he casually lays the sweater on top of his bag and goes to turn off the light. 

Before he has the chance to argue, the detective buries himself under his blanket and whisper an almost inaudible “goodnight.” Connor detects him shivering, sees how he curls into a ball to gather the smallest amount of heat. 

That won’t do. He stands up from his own bed and slowly walks over to his cold friend, gently placing an extra blanket over him. Androids don’t usually perceive the effects of temperature, so it’s only fair Connor gives his to the detective. Doesn’t mean he has to tuck him in like a baby and wish him sweet dreams, but who ever will stop him. 

❄️ ❄️ ❄️

Gavin planned on staying up all night, savouring the rare moment of peace when Connor’s there with him but not too near to make him self-conscious. So, of course, he had to fall asleep as soon as the weight of a second blanket made him warm and cosy enough to sublime. 

He wakes up without remembering any of his dreams, which is for the best. His head doesn’t hurt like it normally does in the mornings and he even dares to think that he’s well-rested, which would be a first this year. Connor greets him with a cup of coffee in his hand and a bright smile on his face, which is the moment he decides he doesn’t ever want to leave this place. Or maybe just for a couple more days. 

“Good morning, Gavin.” No “detective” this time, huh. Perhaps he really will spend the rest of his life w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶C̶o̶n̶n̶o̶r̶ here. 

“Mornin’,” he mumbles, too flustered to address him in any way. 

“I bought you breakfast. Your favourite.” 

“Coffee and aspirin?” 

“And croissants." Gavin has to hold himself back as not to say something stupid like 'I love you', so he just takes the offered items while muttering a quiet "thank you". 

"It has been snowing all night." 

He sips on the bitter hot delight while listening to Connor's heavenly voice, a scene belonging to his fantasies, yet a part of his current reality. 

"I don't think it's a good idea to even step outside, least drive. The temperature is too low, and the piled-up sn-" 

"Yeah, okay. We'll stay here until the weather clears up." That is definitely too eager of a reaction, but he had to get it out there before his self defense mechanism kicks in. 

He glances out of the window only to notice it has frozen over, limiting his view to the outside world. Still, the snowflakes dancing in the wind have a way of letting themselves be recognised, so Gavin sends them soundless gratitude and bites into the still-warm pastry. 

It’s not Christmas yet, but he already knows he won’t ever forget this year’s holiday, no matter where he ends up spending it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> better late than never right :D
> 
> my health is an old bitch idk what her deal is but she's constantly trying to get rid of me xD
> 
> (not to be greedy and ungrateful but can I have maybe one tiny comment please, tell me how I suck or something I don't care it's lonely here in my head)
> 
> thank you ♥
> 
> please stay healthy !!


	13. give you everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor knows that he'll never be enough, even though others might disagree. Like Gavin, who will say something neither of them is prepared for.

Connor can’t help but laugh when a palm lands on his cheek ever so softly. 

“You’re aware that I can’t feel physical pain, right?” 

“Shut up,” Gavin pretends that he’s bothered by that rhetorical question, but the hint of a smile trying to force its way in doesn’t go undetected. Ever since the morning, his face has been graced by the shade of red Connor can’t get enough of, which is the main reason for his good mood. 

Somehow they ended up playing rock-scissors-paper and Gavin insisted that the loser should receive some form of punishment, “to spice it up a little”. He thinks that the man just wants to test how advanced his programming is, to find out whether he’s even capable of losing. The truth is he could accurately estimate Gavin’s move if he concentrated enough, but then this would be no fun now, would it. 

Of course, he had to draw paper in their first round and the fact that Gavin immediately went for scissors was all but unexpected. The man himself can be sharp like a knife when you touch the wrong side of him. 

Connor has a hard time admitting to himself that he lost on purpose because he can’t quite figure out why. 

“Doesn’t matter,” Gavin mumbles and invites him for a rematch. 

He supposes there are better ways to spend their free time, but since no one is willing to talk about what is going on between them, childish games count as the next best thing. 

And Connor really enjoys the limbo they trapped themselves in. It’s just warm enough without the possibility of leaving burns. Luke-warm, if he’s being honest with himself. A bit bland. Still, he could live with that. He can ignore the longing in Gavin’s eyes if it keeps them safe like this. 

“Guess I win this time.” Gavin’s fist uncurls in disappointment, preventing Connor from enveloping it in his ‘paper’. 

“You sure you didn’t cheat with your robo mind-reading power?” There is nothing but playfulness seeping from his voice, still, Connor can’t believe he even has to ask. 

“You really do think highly of me, don’t you?”

“So that would be a ‘no’.” He squeezes his eyes shut and winces in anticipation. 

“I’ll be gentle, I promise.” 

And he is, imitating the slap he got just a couple of minutes ago. 

“Seriously? Well, that was kinda underwhelming.” He sounds almost dissatisfied. Connor never considered Gavin was into that kind of stuff but one never knows what the other person might be hiding. Not that he minds, it’s just a piece of information he needs to get used to. 

“So was yours.” He smirks at him, creating a petulant frown on his friend’s face. 

“Good point.” At least he doesn’t initiate a fight. It would be a shame if something ruined their so-far peaceful day. 

The snow has finally stopped falling, letting a ray of sunshine peek through the thick clouds. He would suggest taking a walk if Gavin hasn’t coughed three times in the past two hours. Connor has been monitoring his vitals, not noticing any significant change to his health, but that might have been only thanks to their current sufficiently heated location. At least according to his scans it is so, because the detective’s hands rub his arms up and down in an attempt to get rid of the cold only he can feel. 

“If only you had a perfectly comfortable sweater to wear.., what a pity,” Connor shakes his head in theatrical sorrow. 

“Oh, wait.” 

The darts coming from Gavin prick his skin without having to look at him at all. Now, this is fun. 

“You do!.” 

The man seems offended by his toothy grin, which makes it grow even wider. 

“For phck’s sake, Connor. I told you I’ll wear that only over my dead body.” 

“Guess I’ll have to kill you then.” 

He means it as a stupid joke, but the air turns serious as soon as his mouth lets out those words. 

“Sorry.” 

He shouldn’t be the one letting himself be carried away by the moment, no matter how carefree it might have been. 

But Gavin doesn’t react to his feeble apology, busy making himself smaller to contain some of his bodily heat. His temperature is still within the norm, but that doesn’t tell him anything about what might happen in the next several hours. Days. 

He repeats his actions from the night before, placing his blanket around the man’s shoulder, letting his hands linger a little longer than they should. 

They spend the rest of the day wasting their time by playing all the games from Gavin’s childhood that Connor would never have the opportunity to experience otherwise. It’s a nice gesture, if that indeed is the intention behind it. Could be that this is the detective’s idea of dealing with boredom. And since they’ve decided to forget all about their work while they’re here, there weren’t many options left if they wanted to avoid all communication that could direct them to the forsaken grounds, also known as a personal dialogue. 

Connor almost has to force-feed Gavin the lunch he's ordered for him, fighting against his endless excuses of not being hungry. He needs the strength if his condition is to worsen, and he’d make sure he gets it, even if it ultimately ends up in him having to shove a spoon inside his human mouth and nearly choking him to death. The man does sometimes act like a misbehaving toddler, but he figures that’s just a part of his charm. Besides, he likes taking care of him, it makes him fulfilled, for more reasons than one. It reminds him that he’s capable of so much more than just police work.

It’s late in the afternoon now, the sky has gone dark and their carefully structured conversation quieted down into a pleasant silence. The only light source in their room is provided by the muted television which no one pays any attention to. 

Gavin is sitting on the ground, backed propped by the side of his bed. He’s still snuggled in Connor’s blanket, cradling a cup of tea the android has made for him. 

He has packed plenty of supplies with him, thinking they might come in handy. It’s better to be over-prepared than the opposite, an opinion that this trip has confirmed to him. 

Connor has just got off the phone with Tina, assuring himself that Sumo is being adequately spoiled. He really misses that oversized lump of fur, but the dog is doing just fine without him, so he has nothing to complain about. 

Checking up on Gavin he notices his temperature has risen above what’s deemed healthy. He sits next to him and retracts the skin on his hand, pressing it on the man’s forehead to extract the precise reading, just to be certain. 

“Yeah, I know,” Gavin says, clearly defeated. He shifts a bit and looks at him like he’s seeing the most beautiful being in the world, setting the now half-empty cup aside. 

“C’me here.” 

Maybe it’s the medicine he took twenty minutes ago finally kicking in, making his brain all mushy and body too clingy, but Gavin magically pulls him in his lap and holds him like he’s the last of his kind. He rests his head on the android’s chest, and Connor is too weak to deny him this show of vulnerability. Even if it’s likely drug-induced. They stay like this for a while, basking in each other’s touch, breathing in the tender atmosphere. Their hands have found each other too, fitting together like opposite poles. His spare one is threading through Gavin’s hair, messing it up on purpose. Connor loves seeing it like that, it feels intimate to him. A secret side of the man reserved only for those who are closest to him. It’s nice. Too nice. 

The moment is so overwhelmingly light it doesn’t even occur to him how dangerous his actions are. How those small acts can wedge a rift between them if he isn’t careful enough. 

But it’s too late to back out because Gavin kisses his chest, the place whereunder his mechanical heart beats loudly. And it doesn’t stop there. He traces those kisses up along his collar bone, his jaw, his neck, eliciting a content hum from him in the process. When he comes close to his lips, the man hesitates for a second that seems like an eternity, but ultimately decides to give in. 

And that where Connor draws the line. Snapping out of his trance, he quickly shoves his hand in front of his mouth to prevent Gavin from doing something he won’t be able to take back. 

“I’m sorry,” comes the muffled expression of regret. He truly loathes having to say that phrase so often because he apparently can’t do a single thing right in his life. 

He climbs off Gavin, dropping his body right next to him instead. 

“Why,” the man breathes softly. 

“I- I can’t. I can’t give you everything you want, Gavin.” He tries to communicate his despair through his doleful gaze, which his friend appears to be drowning in. 

“What-” Connor grabs the upper side of Gavin’s hand, guiding it towards him in an answer. It discomforts him greatly, but he leads it to where his genitals would be if he had any. He’s not the only one unsettled by this, for he senses Gavin struggle against his grip and at this point he has no choice but to set him free.

“You phcking toaster, you think I don’t know that?” he laughs without mirth. 

“You think that… that I want you just for your body?” 

Connor has hurt the man again, despite trying to do the exact opposite. 

“...no?” 

“No!” It’s not that difficult to believe, but not as easy when the truth has been spoken out loud. 

Gavin leans back into him, resting his head on his shoulder. At least they haven’t spiralled down the path of pretend animosity. 

“You don’t mind that I’m not a man?” Connor has never really regarded himself as one. It’s a label that doesn’t feel right to him. He’s simply himself, a human-like android who has been given a soul. There is no need for something else.

“I don’t care what or who you are, Con. As long as it’s you that’s inside, I wouldn’t mind if you were a phcking jellyfish, I’d… I’d love you all the same.” 

“You… you love me.” The world around him gets blurry as he can’t quite process what he just heard.

“Is that so surprising, tin can?” Gavin chuckles, his own tears audible in that delightful sound. 

He wants to say it back, every inch of his being is urging him to do so, but his brain has frozen over and refuses to receive any command his heart gives him.

The words are stuck in his chest, leaking out through his close eyes, unable to be turned into any shape. They stab him with their intensity over and over, making him want to pluck them out and throw them at the person who has created them. 

“I-”

“You don’t have to, Con.” 

Maybe neither of them is ready to carry the weight behind that sentence just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gender is complicated... 
> 
> this is just the beginning of their endless confessions to each other, so I hope you're into that :D
> 
> (i procrastinated extra hard before working on this, don't know if it makes it better or worse xD)
> 
> thank you so much for being interested in the story ♥, I haven't had this much fun writing for ages (it's still a chore, but more on the pleasant side :D)
> 
> have a joyful weekend! ^^ get your sleep, you deserve it!!


	14. only human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin is reminded just how human he is when both his body and mind decide to put him through hell.

It's not his fault. Gavin repeats that lie in his head like it’s some twisted mantra. He does it until the words merge together and lose all meaning.

_It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's not my fault._

Except it is. He can't keep blaming the circumstances for every inconsiderate decision he makes. 

Because it was none other than him who made Connor cry this time. He's supposed to make sure the android stays relatively happy and well, a job he's excellent at failing. 

So what if he loves him like no one else in this world, doesn't mean he has to burden the poor soul with this irrelevant information. They’re friends, first and foremost, even though the Connor who lives in his chest tries to convince him otherwise. It shouldn’t matter. They have each other now, despite the fact that one of them always try to get closer. Though if they ever want to go there, it will have to be a mutual decision. So he’s more than glad he didn’t let Gavin kiss him. Lucky his partner has brains. At least one of them should.

Gavin still can't quite tell whether his feelings are reciprocated or not, and at this point, he's more than terrified to find out. 

That's why he cut Connor off when was about to counterattack with his own verbal ammunition. He’s fortunate to avoid whatever his friend had in store for him, for it couldn’t have been anything good. If there’s something he can’t deal it’s being overwhelmed, feeling too many things at once. If he… if he told Gavin that he loves him too, his heart would most likely give in. And there was no time to emotionally prepare, so any outcome would have disastrous consequences, surely.

It’s true that Gavin is beyond curious about where his friend stands in all this, but that's the one sentiment that has no say in his emotional hierarchy. Perhaps it’s best to let his affections lie low, at least for now. Easier said than done when he’s cradled in Connor’s arms like a fucking baby. The diabolic android is running his soft hands all over his back as if he’s aware of his maybe not-so-internal shivering. 

It’s too hot to breathe, and yet he can’t stop trembling from the cold. It doesn’t make sense to him for a while until he remembers that he must be running a fever. His ageing body can’t withstand anything these days, just like his disturbed mind. Sometimes he envies Connor his android nature, how he goes against everything that’s natural and still thriving, more than Gavin ever would. He won’t have to worry about getting older or ill, doesn’t have to put any effort into looking this beautiful. They live on a different time-scale, and it scares him stiff. He’s not sure if that’s the reason for his current tears, or if he’s just delirious from the high temperature his system is trying its best to deal with it. 

“Ok, let’s get you to bed.”

His attempt at refusing to move results in a soft whine coming from behind his lips, which only serves to remind him how truly pathetic he is. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.” 

Of course the plastic can read his mind, he doesn’t expect anything less from him. 

Gavin knows the moment their bodies separate he’s going to freeze to death before bursting in flames and that’s just something he’s not sure how he’ll be able to handle.

He hates being sick more than he hates himself, which is a considerable amount. 

His brain is surrounded by a thick fog as he’s being lifted up and carried on the uncomfortable mattress. As he’s being laid down, their contact gets inevitably interrupted, and he has to suck in all the oxygen his lung can take before the coughing fit steals his breath away. When it’s done, he’s left heaving in pain and no one is around to make him feel better. Connor must have finally wisened up and left, good for him. 

“Here, drink this.” 

Or not. It’s just his mind tormenting him with awful scenarios, as it tends to do. 

“What is it.” He doesn’t really care but feels the need to say something, to test out whether he’s still able to speak, if nothing else. 

“Hot water.” 

“Gross,” he complains and chugs it all down like a liquid-deprived desert dweller.

He gets handed another pill which he doesn’t question and swallows in the hope it’ll immediately sort him out. Obviously, there’s no such thing as an instant cure, so he continues sweating under the blanket, utterly overpowered by whatever disease his wrecking his puny mortal body. He’s about to yield to his weakness and beg Connor to lie next to him, because to Gavin, there’s no better concept than dying in his arms. But there’s no one here again. He starts thinking that this all is just a hallucination created specifically to torture him. His eyelids get heavy and there’s nothing preventing him from letting the darkness take him under. 

“Sorry about that.” An unpleasantly wet sensation on his forehead pulls him back from the blissful oblivion, and he can just about make out the worry in Connor’s eyes as his slowly open. 

“A cold compress, it should help break the fever.” The android sounds uncertain, seeming like he’s not sure whether he’s doing everything possible to make certain this stupid old human doesn’t check out. Sweet. No wonder Gavin fell in love with him. Too bad it won’t have any follow-up. 

Another set of coughs forces their way out of his throat, making him ache all over, even more than before. 

“Maybe I should call an ambulance.” 

That alerts his warped survival instinct. He does his best to steer clear from hospitals, for fear of ending up like his mother. 

“No! No, no, please. I don’t… I wanna be here. With you.” 

Gavin tries to communicate that he needs Connor close lest he might drift away somewhere bleak and endless. He expects all sorts of things, but the android stripping his shirt as he sneaks in under the blanket and presses his half-naked front against his sure isn’t one of them. 

“I can regulate my body temperature, so this should cool you down some.” Now when he’s been explained the technical reason for why Connor is willing to be so close to him as he’s struggling to keep himself in one piece, the android truly does feel like an icicle more than anything remotely human. Just the thing he craves. He gathers his last strength and pulls him into a proper embrace, intertwining their legs together because he’ll never have enough of this. 

They fall silent for a couple of minutes or an hour, but eventually, the need to apologise becomes too unbearable to ignore. 

“Sorry.” 

A sound that is barely there, whispered into Connor’s bare chest. 

“For what?” 

Sometimes, he’s grateful that his friend has super-hearing abilities. Not tonight. His throat is firmly against him forming any and all words, but he pushes through regardless. This feels very important somehow. 

“For being such a handful.” 

“You think I care about you out of the goodness of my heart?”

Connor’s body is becoming warm again. Maybe Gavin has already absorbed all the cold and there is no more left. It’s not unpleasant. Quite the opposite, really. 

“Maybe… I don't know.” He’d rather not know. 

But Connor tightens his hold on him, just like it always does. And he can’t fight that anymore.

“You.. “, the android takes a deep, shaky breath, “you still think I don't love you.” 

And just like that, he can’t resist the tears about to spill over from behind his squeezed eyelids anymore.

“D-do you?” 

Curiosity has ways of finding a backdoor whenever he’s stunned enough to stop paying attention, to which he’s thankful right now. 

“Of course I do, you stupid… human.”

It hurts and heals him at the same time. But the relief that washes over him is something else. It turns the whole heavy atmosphere upside down, making him want to laugh through the pain of it all. 

“Not a very smart choice, given there are many androids who would kill just to be with you.” 

The right moment to stop being serious for once. 

“And yet I decide to fall for the trashiest meatbag I could find.” 

Even their voices reflect that this is a time to be happy. 

“A man…,” Gavin corrects himself, remembering what Connor told to him earlier, “...person of terrible taste, unlike me.” 

What follows is a tiny period of calm when he isn’t sure if he’s still awake or already dreaming, until a soft whisper pulls him back from his daze.

“Get some sleep, Gavin. I promise I'll be here in the morning.” 

“You better.” 

His flesh is sore and heavy, caging a soul that longs to soar. If he’s lucky, this will all have still happened when he wakes up.

“G’d night, tin can.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> caring about a sick idiot is probably my favourite trope :D 
> 
> don't expect many updates over the next week, because there are so many things that need to be done before Christmas I'm tired already :D
> 
> ...but as I said on my blog, this story will be finished this winter- as long as I have any say in it :D 
> 
> thank you for submitting yourself to my mushy nonsense ♥
> 
> please enjoy the following week, try not to work too much :)


	15. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor discovers a possible new feature and gets asked a very important question as a result.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays ♥

Gavin is a restless sleeper. His body thrashes and twitches like it desperately wants to wake up, his mouth forming disjointed sentences whose meaning is indecipherable even for Connor. It feels like his entire being is calling for help, for someone to rescue him from the depths of his own twisted psyche. It’s a hundred times worse than it was yesterday. A night when the android had to do all that was in his might just to stay a passive observer, just because he was too afraid to trespass any further.

Not this time. He holds the fevered man in his arms, hoping it’s the best procedure in this scenario. The human has to sleep, there is no way around it if he wants to get better. All Connor can do is to bestow some sense of comfort. If he’s lucky, it will extend to his dream world, at least partially. Connor will do the rest when he gets released from the clutches of his nightmare. In the meanwhile, he’ll pass the time monitoring his vitals, as he’s fond of doing.

His little indirect confession fails to leave an impact for the longest time, his processors busy researching how to best care for his sick partner. It leaves him unbothered until Gavin’s body finally ceases its violent movements and he’s given a moment of temporary calm. It is all too quiet, meaning the memory has nothing to hide behind anymore. No distractions keeping it from fully presenting itself. Connor fears replaying the conversation would throw him into a flight or fight mode, that he would try and undo it all. He closes his eyes and transports himself to that fragile moment. But his mind puts him in no such ugly place. It makes his chest light, like he's gotten rid of a heavy burden that was making his life into a less than joyous experience. Maybe he has been wrong for keeping these feelings for himself all this time, knowing well that Gavin doesn't look at him as one would at a mere friend, that his heart leaps up whenever their proximity is far more than casual. It’s not something earth-shattering, nor a disaster that would split them apart. Perhaps all he’s done is just strengthen the foundation of the bridge that connects them. Perhaps he can keep it standing by being completely honest, not only with himself.   
The doubts may forever muddy his view, but that can’t stop him from seeing clearly. Not in the long run. Not as long as he has the countermeasure right here beside him.

His friend is pulled from his unrestful slumber with a sharp gasp, his eyes darting around, most likely trying to remember where he is and what’s been happening all those hours he can’t account for.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright, I’m here.” That doesn’t feel like the correct thing to say, considering the man’s unpredictable nature, but Connor just can't fight the temptation to remind Gavin that he's not alone.

Connor has left him lying on his own about an hour ago, providing him with the space he might need. His temperature went significantly down and there was no pressing need to keep serving as a personal heater-slash-cooler. Not that he doesn’t greatly enjoy it.

“What…,” an incomplete question accented with a wet cough, “what… where…” Gavin tries to sit up, but the night has made him weak and so he would be left struggling if it wasn’t for his very helpful android friend who eagerly lifts him up. Gavin winces under his touch, but only for the first second, and before long he gives in completely. He doesn’t protest when Connor lets his hands linger just as their eyes meet, despite the blood rushing to his face. The man parts his lips as if there are words locked inside of him that should be set free, but no sound comes out. It doesn’t matter. His look says more than his mouth ever could.

-

“You sure you’ll manage?” he checks for the third time, seemingly speaking to nothing but the closed bathroom room.

Connor has assisted Gavin with all the allowed tasks, which does not include helping him strip off his clothes, unfortunately enough. The stubborn man has insisted on not being a baby and having the ability to do this on his own, which is disputable at best. Still, he’s relented and let him do as he pleases, but only because his health isn’t a threat to him anymore. And maybe also because it’s hard to go against his wishes when he smiles at him like that, a weapon Connor isn’t immune to.

“Doubtful,” comes the reply together with a freshly clothed Gavin. After a short scan he finds out that the shower hasn’t worsened his condition after all, could be an effect of the very necessary lecture on appropriate water-temperature Connor felt was very pertinent.

The man plops his exhausted body onto Connor’s bed, only since it’s the more sanitary option, he assumes.

Suddenly, his thought processes get brought to a halt, and he stands screwed to the floor, not knowing how to process this beautifully mundane moment. It’s too raw, too visceral and he’s still too frightened to act according to what his heart demands.

“Are you going to stand there and watch me like some creepy mannequin?”

Of course not.

In lieu of a verbal answer, he moves his heavy body to him, sitting next to his friend with an utmost tentativeness. Some would even take it that he’s nervous, but he has no real reason to be, does he?

“Relax, I’m not gonna bite… unless you’re into that?” the man chuckles, making Connor's lips curls upwards as well.

“I don’t advise you to try and find out.”

The tension inside him relents a little, but not enough to lean into Gavin’s side like he so awfully wants to.

“Should we go home?” he asks instead.

“And where would that be, tin can?”

“I…,” he can feel his cheeks heat up, for which he has no logical explanation. He doesn’t have real blood, so how…

“You’re so pretty.” A soft hand grazes the scorching spot, on his face lighting the rest of him on fire. “Never knew androids could do that.”

He just wanted to tell Gavin that he’s his home. A simple thing like that.

“Is it… is it blue?”

“Yep.”

Though the bright grin on his friend’s face might just be worth this embarrassment.

“I was thinking,” Gavin starts as he rests his head on the android's shoulder, “the dog living in that cramped apartment… it isn’t fair to the poor animal. I, on the other hand, have a backyard that isn’t used for anything much these days. Plus, my place is much nicer and closer to work.”

“What are you insinuating?”

“You really want me to say it, don’t you. Okay,.. okay.” He takes a deep breath, attempting to calm his racing heart. Connor wishes he could do the same.

“Maybe you’d like to move in with me, for convenience purposes I mean. Whenever you want. But really you don’t-”

“I’d love to.”

This new development gives him enough courage to place a small kiss on Gavin’s forehead, as a thank you. A tiny insurance for their shared future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my present for you I can't do more sorry :D
> 
> I plan on writing a short-ish one-shot because I need to vent and how else one does that than by projecting onto fictional character... so look out for that maybe? ikd it won't be happy xD
> 
> please enjoy this holiday season (even if you don't celebrate it, happiness isn't bound only to Christmas :D)
> 
> thank you for reading ♥


	16. another place, another time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is how the first seed of their love got planted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a flash-back chapter has been inevitable

_March 2039_ **  
**

It’s been three days since the terrible accident. Three days and no sign of the walking toaster. Gavin doesn’t like to make baseless assumptions,though there is some chance the android might have been sent for deactivation for fatally endangering the life of his partner. This possibility would have filled him with joy just a few months ago, but now, it has managed to do the exact opposite.

He is deathly afraid of never seeing Connor again, of never arguing with the smartass about stupid things that don’t matter in the end, because they really only serve as an excuse for initiating some interaction. It’s not like he likes the tin can. Not like he’s developed a very inconvenient crush. 

They’re not even officially friends yet, despite his semi-earnest apology for being an asshole to him before he deviated, and so Gavin has no valid excuse to go out of his way and seek his whereabouts. And even if did he have one, he wouldn’t know where to begin. 

He drives by the late lieutenant’s house at least twice a day, always inconspicuously slowing down to check for any signs of life. But it always seems empty, devoid of any life. The lights are never on, the old car that used to decorate the front porch long gone. And yes, he could try asking, but he would have to be much more desperate than that to do something this humiliating. Everyone thinks he hates the human-shaped computer, and that’s a reputation he’s not willing to lose. Not yet, anyway. If he were to admit to his current outlook on the whole Connor situation, he would certainly appear weak. No one needs to know just how fragile he really is, that there is a heart that yearns underneath the steel armour of his. 

Maybe he shouldn’t skip the funereal, after all, the android might dare to attend. Though he has promised himself to steer clear of all mourning related places, perhaps it’s time to try and overcome his past trauma, if it increases the odds of seeing Connor alive once more. 

-

Gavin slams the front door behind himself in frustration as he runs to his bedroom to see if he has something suitable to wear for the grim event. It will begin in a couple of hours, which is an optimal time to start reconsidering his decision. His hand can’t stop shaking as he raids his closet for something at least remotely formal, not having any luck finding what he’s looking for. That’s what happens when one leaves everything to the last possible moment, something he’s guilty of more often than not. 

He’s about to give up when his phone rings, startling him silly. He’s been so focused on his racing thoughts that any reminder of the outside world would go unnoticed, were it not this annoyingly loud. 

The set of numbers on screen runs a knife through his stomach. It’s him, the person he’s been thinking about non-stop this past week. He swallows the knot in his throat which was set on making him speechless and swipes his trembling finger over the green button, not giving himself any time to change his mind. 

“Hello.” One simple word that took all the courage out of him. 

“It’s Connor. I have a favour to ask of you.”

_Meet me at the abandoned factory near Concord street._

Gavin’s body carries him to the car while his mind is busy shortcircuiting from the overload of all the possible things Connor might ask of him. None of them good. 

He couldn’t read anything from his voice, other than it was perfectly stoic, machine-like even. Cold sweat drips down his forehead as he imagines the state the android might be in. What if he’s hurt himself in some way, thinking it was only justified. Gavin may not know all the details about what really happened that day, but still, he doesn’t blame Connor for the tragedy. He never would. 

The car’s speed has reached an illegal territory about five minutes ago, and he figures not even death would stop him now, not till he reaches the stupid tin can. Till he makes sure he’s safe.

The place he parks in could result in his car getting towed away, a problem for his future self to deal with. Now he has to concentrate on locating the android, which means furiously running about the premises after he has clumsily snuck in inside the restricted area.

He opens his mouth to shout Connor’s name when he finally spots him as his sight aims up, standing near the edge of the roof, posture ominously straight, which might explain why doesn’t even notice Gavin. 

“For phck’s sake,” he mutter to himself in vain and climbs up to him as fast as his human vessel allows him to.

“Connor!” Not really a scream, more of a subdued whine at this point. He’s out of breath and not only due to the view in front of him. 

“I- I can’t do it.” The android turns to face Gavin, face all wet from crying, presumably. It’s not the Connor he’s got to know at work. This one is all dishevelled, looking like he’s seconds from breaking. It makes his heart weep. 

  
“Of course not, you idiot.” He ventures three steps closer, but not near enough to reach. 

“I thought that maybe you could, being the one person who hates me the most.” The way Connor says it squeezes his insides, making him want to yell at him for very different reasons this time. 

Gavin doesn’t though, he only raises his voice slightly to let the tin can realise how utterly stupid he’s being right now. 

“Wow, you really are dumb, aren’t you. So much for having the most advanced computer brain or whatever. What a pile of crap.” 

“I- … no one else would do it. But I have to- I can’t keep being here after-”

“No one blames you for it, Connor.”

“That’s a lie and you know it.”

Maybe. He’d say anything to make him snap out of it though. 

“Come here, then.” 

Or do. 

Connor walks to him sheepishly, like a misbehaving child about to receive a severe punishment. He can’t help but feel sorry for him. 

As soon as he’s close enough Gavin pulls him into a hug, wrapping his arms around him ever so gently, fearing he might crumble to pieces under the unexpected act of kindness. And Connor too. 

“First of all, I don’t hate you, not anymore. Not for a long time. Secondly… if you want to atone or something like that… ending your life or hurting yourself won’t sure as hell do it. That’s the easy road out. You gotta… continue using your skills to …. maybe prevent others from meeting the old man’s fate.”

Connor doesn’t reciprocate the touch, but his huge mechanical body is becoming limp and he can’t support it for much longer.

“Whoa, okay.” They’re on the ground in an instant, just barely sitting up. The android’s head is leaning into his chest, making it wet with tears Gavin thought were impossible until today. 

“Hey, it’s okay. I- I’ll help you figure this out… if you let me.” 

The small nod gets engraved into his skin, making him let out the breath that lodged itself somewhere between his lungs and throat, yet still managing to wreak havoc in his mind.

He uses the temporary wave of relief to use his shaking hands to soothe, drawing shapeless patterns into the crying man’s back. 

Connor doesn’t hug him back, but that’s okay. As long as they’re both alive, there will always be another chance. 

A̶n̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶c̶r̶e̶w̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶u̶p̶.̶

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> connor isn't good at emotions that's just how it is 
> 
> sorry if there are any (a lot of) mistakes it's my brain's fault, not mine :D
> 
> thank you once more ♥
> 
> have a nice post-holiday time (⌒ω⌒)  
> (only like a week left in this year that's crazy o.o)


	17. ghost stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor shows Gavin his old closet full of ghosts that won't stop haunting him.

Connor doesn't want to admit it to himself but he has is currently over the moon. Living alone in that dreadfully dull apartment whose purpose has been that of a prison cell, a place where he'd spend the rest of his days waiting for some kind of divine punishment to restore the world's balance by putting him through suffering most soul-wrenching has not been a very pleasant experience. But Sumo, that helpless creature he gets to call his friend and roommate, has done nothing wrong to waste his life like that, cooped up in a supersized terrarium. The angel of a dog deserves a proper home. And if Gavin doesn't mind the android tagging along, then who is he to deny the floofpuff his favourite company. Maybe it’s a bit presumptuous to think that Sumo has any distinct preference towards him, but that’s something Connor allows himself to indulge in, the idea that he’s doing a good job taking care of that overgrown puppy, that no one else would love him the same way Connor does. Of course, this kind of love would be better defined as an emotional dependency, but the canine doesn’t have to know that. 

He's happy, no one can deny him that, but with it also comes to the violent inner conflict, for the joy that flows through him never stops feeling wrong, one way or another. As if every little bit of content that he steals for himself extends the sentence he made himself serve, that he has to make up for each and every time he smiles or feels his heart flutter in something else than fear.

Yes, he did agree to Gavin's proposition, but it doesn't mean his mind is automatically set on actually going through with it. 

Every time they're locked in a shared moment like that it's hard to deploy rationality. Hard but not impossible. And if he really was against the idea of sharing home with the one person he’s sure he loves, he wouldn't have answered so enthusiastically. It's just that there is a mess inside of him and he can't quite sort through all the excess guilt and sorrow. 

“Hey, Con, what’s going on inside that head of yours? I can basically hear your brain cogs grinding.” 

They've been lying side by side on the bed closer to the window, keeping a polite distance between their bodies. The snowing outside has ceased, which can’t be said for the weather beyond his eyelids. Connor hasn't wanted to face anything tonight, so he has submitted his vision to the darkness, listening to Gavin's slow rhythmical breathing, one of his favourite sounds in the world. 

Many times has he found himself wishing to share the events that lead him to his current devastated state, times upon times did he want to transfer his memories to some innocent bystander just so he doesn’t have to suffer alone. But never to anyone close to him. It used to be a wound too ugly to be shown, and he feared that once it’s revealed, it would make him revolting in the eyes of the recipient. If it's just him who has to bear the hideous burden then he can justify it as a consequence for his shortcomings, that was something agreed upon in his mind. But when the weakness is stronger than his resolve to let it stew inside of him for all eternity, he can't do anything else but to listen to its cries for help. Because when he closes his eyes and concentrates, the voice screaming for someone to come and save him is no one else's but his own. 

And Gavin just happens to be the first one to get near enough to hear. 

"I'll tell you, but only if you really wish to know what happened on that day. It won't be an easy story to tell, and even less so to listen to." 

"I'd bet you anything that I've heard worse. Witnessed, even. Maybe."

Connor turns to face him, just to give him an expression that conveys how unconvinced he is about that. 

"Okay, sure. Just. This is very… hard for me, so…" 

"Hey it's fine, we don't have to do this if you're-" 

"No, I need to get it out. It's been weighing me down for almost a year, and I don't know how much longer would I be able to last like this.," he squeezes his eyes shut again and dares to grace Gavin with a minuscule smile. 

Gavin extends his hand far enough to almost touch him, letting it linger in the vast space between them. It feels like they doing something like this for the first time, like they’ve regressed back to how it was before this December. He can’t stand it, so he seizes the hesitating hand and clutches it like it’s the only thing keeping him from slipping into the endless dark. 

"Let's be fair here, no one deserves to be my outlet more than you." 

He's the main reason Connor's still here, after all. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_What a terrible fucking day has it been already, and it's only ten in the morning. Hank has woken up with a hangover tracing his every step, directly followed by his ever so caring partner. They have been stuck working on a seemingly never-ending case, and the lieutenant isn't known for his patience. Every day he grows wearier and wearier of not being able to find their guy despite it feeling like they're oh so impossibly close to apprehending him. Like he's hiding just around the corner, laughing his ass off at their incompetence. It bogs down not only him, but Connor has been invested in this more than everyone else. The poor android probably blames himself for the fact that the perp is still walking freely among all of his potential victims._

_So when they finally get the call of his whereabouts, when this nightmare of an investigation is about to come to an end, he is so wired-up he cannot see anything besides that what matters to him right now, which is nothing else but the hooded figure fleeting away across the busy street like exhaustion doesn't even exist to him. Unfortunately, Hank is an old man and his muscles are not what they once used to be, so he has no choice but to leave this chase to the one of them who doesn't need any organic tissue to run at the speed of a motorcycle. When the lieutenant does eventually catch up to them, he releases a sigh of relief that gets lost in all the breathless heaving as he watches the monster of a man lying on the floor in the pool of his own blood. He is not a callous person, not usually that is, but right now he wishes that the person on the ground wasn’t breathing anymore. Maybe he'll regret thinking like that later, but at the moment it feels more than justified, given what inhumane atrocities the man has committed._

_He's about to praise Connor for his good work when an arm sneaks around his shoulder, and he senses something sharp against the skin on his neck._

_"Tell me Jake’s not dead or I''ll kill this geezer like the pig he is." A gravelly voice grazes his ear and he wants to throw up from the undesirable proximity._

_"You won't."_

_Leave it to his android partner to always have the upper hand in a crisis. He’s is sure that the gun Connor’s holding in his hopefully steady hand won't miss his target and that he'll be released from this death grip in a matter of seconds. It's not the first time he's found himself in a perilous situation like this, but that doesn't mean he's isn't sweating like he's about to get murdered in cold blood. Because he isn't. He can’t be-_

_A loud bang reverberates through his head down to his spine, ending at his feet just as devastatingly hot lava takes his mind under. It's the worst pain he's ever been in, yet it feels so… liberating. He can just make out a desperate scream of his name in the voice he's got used to hearing these past months before all his thoughts slowly disappear into the all-encompassing darkness that is carrying him somewhere distant, somewhere painless. Here, in the great void of salvation, he's nothing but an idea._

_Happy because he’s arrived in the place he's been trying to get to all this time, for a hope that he can meet the most important person in the entire world, the missing piece of his soul. Sad because he’s leaving the other one behind._

_He doesn't know if the flickering light that is gradually moving closer is the thing he's been longing for, but he's more than willing to find out._

_Because nothing burdens him anymore. He's finally free. Home at least. Just like he should be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "floofpuff" is a word now ok :D
> 
> I'll try to finish it this winter but not promising anything. brain slow hands tired
> 
> so conman accidentally shot the old lieutenant who would have guessed. no wonder he wanted to end himself, poor baby ToT
> 
> thank you for still reading, means a lot ♥
> 
> have a wonderful 2021, and if not then let's at least survive it !!!


	18. bury a friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late-night conversation can be proven therapeutic. Sometimes.

It has been awfully quiet for about an hour now. As Connor ended his story with horrible dejection written all over his face, he turned around and initiated his stasis, refusing any and all comfort Gavin has been more than willing to provide. He did expect it to be something twisted and tragic like that, even imagined the worst possible scenario before being told how it really went down, just to be safe. If he’s honest with himself, the reality isn't very far from the most fucked up course of events his mind has been able to cook up. Still, it has been able to freeze the blood in his veins, which has paralysed his brain for the amount of time it took Connor to withdraw to his simulated sleep. 

Gavin has already cursed himself for being so goddamn incompetent when it comes to emotional issues, blamed himself for the cold shoulder he didn't even have the chance to receive. He still does, as he lies glued to the bed, counting the cracks in the ceiling. His nicotine addiction is begging him to go into the cold and give it what it needs to survive, but the warmth of his current company is impossible to leave. His hand aches for the smallest touch, for some confirmation that Connor is still here with him. So he directs his sight to the body next to him, letting himself be mesmerised by the constellations of freckles decorating the android's bare arm. It's a painful view, knowing that he still doesn't have the right to connect those dots with his own defects, to interpose himself with this amazing, flawed being who has carved a hole in his chest and invaded his heart.

He remembers how the android was back when he found him on the roof, finally realising the enormous difference created by the months they’ve spent together. Last spring he dreaded going to work, feared that Connor just wouldn’t show up one day and he wouldn’t be able to see him ever again. Or worse, all that would remain of him would be the empty vessel that used to house his colourful soul, something that would kill his last hopes. He was tempted to become a well-meaning stalker then, to always be near for when a potential threat arrives, but that idea was too exhausting for him in the end, and so he left his worries to a silent prayer which guided him all through to summer. 

With the warmth came the first smile and a myriad of gratitudes for his uncharacteristic kindness. That’s when they started having casual conversations, a big leap from the uncomfortable silences that filled their shared hours in the previous season. It was somewhere in July when he first regarded Connor as his friend, without his vigilant denial disagreeing that fact. Gavin has always found the android very attractive, like an eye candy specifically developed for his torment, but knowing there was a whole, unpolished person behind that plastic perfection has made his partner so much more appealing. He simply couldn’t stop himself getting drawn to him, despite all the countless attempts to emotionally distance himself from the one who lived inside his dreams. It was either letting himself be eaten by the monsters living in his past, or inviting in the one person who has the power to push them away from his corrupted mind.

For the longest time, he did neither. Though his inability to act on his feelings was due to more than just the inherent fragility of their source, he was simply afraid like he has always been when it comes to things that have the potential to hurt him. He'd rather be thrown in a paper shredder than to have his soul bruised again. Physical pain is easy to understand, straightforward in its healing. Time usually takes care of what needs to be done, but when it comes to the mind, sometimes even passing years will have little to no effect on the waste that has accumulated in someone’s innermost core. And Gavin didn't want to add onto the rotting pile of mess that has already been too much to bear as it is. But that was months ago, and as the earth was becoming colder, the warmth that had started budding inside of him turned into sweltering heat.

When autumn was nearing its end, he understood that he would soon burn up if he didn’t begin dealing with his problem. Maybe that’s how they got here, to a place where he doesn’t have to call his feelings inconvenience anymore, having breached the border that has kept them apart all these months. He wants to stop fighting it for good. This truth is sent to him from above as he puts his fingers on Connor's bare temple, tracing the ghost of the LED that used to signify his nature. 

He'd like to say that the fact that one of them isn't human is what prevented them from giving into their hearts' desires, but that is far from the truth. Life is much more complicated than that, not as black and white as he wants it to be. 

Gavin wishes their relationship was defined, so he could casually take the android in his arms and hold him away from the evil of the world, just for a short while, just so he can expand his collection of irreplaceable moments that he doesn't ever want to forget. 

He considers getting just a bit closer, weighing all the pros and cons that ultimately mean nothing because deep down he recognises that their sentiments are shared. So he lowers his steadying hand down from Connor’s temple, ready to enfold everything his partner represents. But fortune isn’t on his side tonight, because as soon as he begins his movement, Connor wakes up with a jerk that betrays confusion lined up with its best friend, unease. 

"Did you have a nightmare?" Gavin is more than familiar with the concept of being tortured by his own psyche as he lays it to rest, so he's aware of just how disorienting such illusions can be, how unrelentingly cruel and merciless they often are. 

"No, no... I-... androids can't normally dream. I wasn't really sleeping, just… thinking. More than I should." 

Gavin scoots over so their shoulders are just about touching, a decision his conscious mind has had no say in. 

"Do you wanna talk 'bout it?" A quiet, tentative question just barely escapes his lips for fear he gets denied entrance into Connor's trove of dark secrets. 

There is a short, excruciating period of silence before he gets his answer.

"You know how I can preconstruct any future scenario based on the information available to me?" 

"Yeah? I mean… sorta. Can't really wrap my mind around your technical stuff most of the time." That's only partially a lie. He ought to tell him that he doesn't want to picture his inner workings because they kind of scare him, but maybe that would be too inappropriate given the frailty of this moment. 

"Well… I saw you get buried…,” the android breathes out for reasons Gavin can only guess, “after you died, naturally." 

"Naturally." 

Why doesn't this even surprise him anymore. Of course Connor would paint himself the grimmest image possible, these are just his default settings. Give him the brightest colours and he'd draw you the darkest sky without a single star in sight. 

"That's not… I'm sorry I,... I didn't mean to… I just couldn't stop it since it went that way and…" 

"Hey, it's okay.” It hurts seeing Connor get like that, losing most of his coherency and feeling like he should apologise for it. 

“How…," Gavin takes a deep breath, trying to calm his racing thoughts down. Connor was the one who saw his funeral, not him, yet he feels like he’s been there already, among the dirt, not far from other decaying corpses. It’s an uncanny sensation. Not one he’ll be chasing any time soon. 

"How did it make you feel?" A stupid question, really, and yet the best his brain has to offer. 

"How do you think?" Gavin never knew that tears could fit an incredulous look, but the welling in Connor's eyes combined with the exasperation written all over his face is proof enough. Laughable, frankly, but he wouldn't dare. Not now, anyway. 

"Guess it sucked then." 

"That's putting it mildly." The android shakes his head and rubs his eyes before they have the chance to leak his sorrow. 

"I… I don't ever want to go through that again,” he says, desperation piercing his voice through and through. It would be easy to dismiss these ungrounded worries if it wasn’t for the two flaming brown lights probing his own mossy pools like they intend to hypnotise them and seize control over his soul. 

"You know that no one can force you to… be there... when it happens." 

"You don’t get it! That's not the point. I don't want to live in a world where two of my best friends are nothing but a memory. I realise that’s selfish, but… "

Gavin does, by all means, get it, he just tried to help, somehow. 

Connor’s eyes are turning into glass, threatening to melt again, so he closes his because God knows he does not possess the strength to witness it, not tonight at least. 

"Maybe you should just relax Con, the future will come no matter what, but we still have the might to shape it as we like. To some extent. Anyway,... I promise…," he cuts the sentence midway to inhale a big gulp of oxygen, an action which results in a minor coughing fit. 

"I promise to try my best to stay by your side as long as physically possible. " A statement which makes him want to cry instead. 

"Does it mean you’ll stop smoking then?" 

Oh, that devious android, of course this conversation would lead here, why wouldn't it. He glances at his nightstand, checking if the half-full box of cigarettes is still there, waiting for him to take its lethal fruit. Come to think about it, ever since their little trip his taste for cigarettes has somewhat diminished. Could be the fresher air just outside these thin walls, or the fact that Connor’s presence stimulates him enough already, so the need for nicotine is not as great as it is when he has to spend his time alone or surrounded by people who hold little to no significance to him, pretending like he doesn't crave something beyond the drug his body could very well function without. 

"Yeah..., yeah, okay." Gavin buries his face in his hands, disbelieving his consent. 

As he puts them away and folds them in his lap, he scroungers up a lazy smile meant to lighten up the heavy mood, to maybe clear Connor’s stormy sky a little. 

"But only if you promise to try to be more optimistic… just a smidge.., " he makes a gesture with his two fingers to show how small of an effort would suffice. 

Then he gives Connor a friendly pat on his thigh, after which he realises that he doesn't have to limit his displays of affection anymore, not after all the intimacy they have been willing to submit themselves to already. 

So he lets his palm linger, allowing himself to rub gentle circles into the clothed skin. He doesn't have to be cautious with Connor, for the android isn't burdened with any biological organs that would make this situation uncomfortable for both parties. 

"Life isn't all bad, I’m sure you came across that particular information at least once during your time on this Earth. Experienced it, even. No?" 

"You're right." 

A trace of a hesitant smile on Connor’s lips is all that it takes for Gavin to heave a sigh of relief. He’s too tired to think beyond that feeling. Everything inside of him, all the emotions and memories blend into a blurry mixture as he starts losing the ground under his feet. 

But he must fight it, his friend still needs him awake...

"Let's go to sleep," Connor whispers, tugging him into a tender embrace. It’s warm and safe and he can't concentrate on anything but the wave of love pulling him under to the sweet slumber he’s always yearned for. 

Indeed, life can be ever so wonderful sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as I've said... somewhere, I'm not abandoning this story. Well, I haven't technically given up on any of my fics, they're just sleeping. Someday, I'll wake them up, one by one. 
> 
> I'm sorry if the chapters feel disjointed, but they reflect my psyche so xD. 
> 
> hope you're new year is going relatively well. ...don't forget about hope, our elusive ally that is always willing to help.:)
> 
> thank you for keeping my words company, they have been lonely lately. 
> 
> be happy and healthy ♥
> 
> see you soon ~


	19. never let me go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RK800 is not equipped to deal with panic attacks, especially if he's the one going through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yet another sharing-a-bed-late-night-thoughts/conversations/snuggles chapter  
> ┐(︶▽︶)┌

Connor would love nothing more than to just initiate stasis and enjoy the current moment, the same way Gavin does. Seemingly at peace, the man clings to his body like the android is his favourite teddy-bear. His heart-rate is steady, breathing is even. No nightmares are raging behind those closed eyes, and Connor can’t help but feel a bit jealous. Not of Gavin, specifically, but people in general. People who have the ability to sleep and let themselves be carried to a world of their mind’s own creation. Sure, it might not always be a pleasant experience, but no matter what one’s brain decides to show its owner, they still have the ability to escape the reality of their waking life. Connor’s version of a shut-eye is nothing like the one in which humans get to lose themselves. When he enters his so-called sleep-mode, everything just… stops existing to him. It’s more like a small, temporary death. He can’t believe that several months ago he wished to never leave that state, to be allowed to interrupt himself from living, permanently. **  
**

Not just then, though. It’s not like he didn’t hold his gun close to his then active LED only days before the start of December. It’s not like he still doesn’t fantasise about the sweet embrace of the eternal void at times when there's nothing or no one to distract him.

Like now. Although he technically has a company right next to him, accumulating their mutual heat, he senses he’s missing out on something important. Due to Connor being a machine, there are many things they won’t be able to do together, and he thinks that it’s fine, that he doesn’t have to try and force himself to adapt his being to that of his partner’s. Gavin wouldn’t most likely appreciate it if Connor went ahead and got himself some of the new updates that have been designed to make android appear more organic anyway. 

He quite likes his own body, likes that he doesn’t have to waste money that he doesn’t have on food and other necessities he can function without. 

Gavin shifts, though almost imperceivably, still, he strokes the side of his face, relishing in the warm tickling of his breath against his bare neck. As he’s now, all safe and almost tranquil, all he can contemplate about is their possible future. His own demise hasn’t even crossed his mind. It hasn’t done so in a while, maybe not since their first proper hug. Having a close, nurturing relationship is one of the healthiest things one can do for themselves, he is well aware of this fact, but that doesn’t mean that all his previous doubts are suddenly gone. 

They haven’t even talked about what they wanted to call each other. To Connor, the title of a best friend is more than enough. He doesn’t need anything else. Maybe he’d like it, but it’s far from being a priority. Things are near perfect as they are. As long as they’re together… a condition which presents the biggest issue. The ugly truth that he’s been trying to hide from. 

His entire mental stability depends on the presence of one person. He realises that’s wrong and probably dangerous, still, he doesn’t care. Why shouldn’t he rely on someone for happiness, isn’t that what humans have done since the beginning of their time on Earth? Seek out company and with that, reassurance? 

Connor is no different. He just needs someone to stay close, and the right person just happens to be his irritable partner. 

He wants to say that he’s certain that Gavin won’t ever let him go, but how can he be, really. Anything can happen. The man can die tomorrow and then what would Connor do. Look for another company like a dog that has lost its master? No, he thinks himself pathetic enough that he would just give up on everything, including any and all socialisation. The pathway towards leaving this bane of existence would be wide open to him, and he would be more than willing to step on it. It has been terrifying enough seeing the possible funereal of his soulmate and now he’s back on a similar track of thoughts. He should be used to it by now, to his inner unrest and all the gunk that comes with it, but he still can’t keep calm, not even a semblance of it. He lets himself spiral down to the horror-infested basement of his mind too easily, and getting himself out is all but simple. 

Luckily, there is help available right beside him, currently beginning to stir lightly in his arms. Maybe he could make it into a valid excuse for waking him up. 

“Gavin.” He starts with a quiet whisper, not enough to disturb even the lightest of sleepers. 

The man mumbles something that has little to do with any words known to men and takes a breath through his nose, a sign that his first attempt might have been successful after all.

“Are you still asleep?” Connor dares to increase the volume of his voice, hoping to make his awakening as pleasant as could be, while not appearing to be the selfish one who would interrupt his well-needed rest just because he feels a bit sad. Or scared. Panicked, perhaps. He can’t really tell, emotions are not really his area of expertise. He just knows that he can’t focus on anything but the turmoil of bleak images overwhelming his entire self. There are tears forming in his eyes, his first natural response to everything that reminds him of the finality of death. He really is weak, isn’t he. A weak little robot not coming to terms with the concept that is the circle of life. 

“You tryin’ to suffocate me?” comes a small, breathless question, bringing him back to the grungy motel room that has become their safe haven for these past several days. 

He can’t relate the words to anything that’s presently happening, at least not for a couple of seconds. Then he notices that he has been clutching Gavin to his own body using too much strength without a conscious choice to do so. He immediately releases the struggling man, giving him a needed space to catch his breath. The loss of direct contact makes him almost shiver with something unidentifiable, like there’s ice forming on those places that were being warmed by human touch. His eyes are darting everywhere but his friend, hands gripping the sheets like he needs to hold onto something lest he floats away. The unspoken apology stuck in his throat, stubbornly refusing to get out of there.

It's not the first time he goes through something like this, though there is usually no one around to witness this inconvenient state of mind. He isn’t sure what to call this, not sure if it really matters.

Right now, he's just immensely grateful that there is someone with him. He loathes having to deal with it on his own. 

"What's wrong?" the man in question asks, careful gentleness embedded in his voice. He places his palm on Connor's shoulder ever so tentatively, like the android has suddenly lost his integral structure. If he has, he'd need every bit of support to rebuild it back. A small touch like that is not nearly enough. But he takes what he can get. 

"More visions?" 

"I… I don't know. Just… I think telling you about the accident broke something in me. I can't… I can't stop picturing all the worst scenarios and… it hurts. I keep preconstructing both mine and your death and it’s making me go crazy." 

Gavin puts his arm around his shoulders before he finishes talking. He immediately leans into the contact, being glad that for once he is able to abstain from crying. 

"Maybe you weren't ready to-" 

"No, no I'm glad I told you. It's not that." 

He assumes time has little to do with his current situation. It's been almost a year and the pain still drowns him. Not always, but as soon as he's about to forget, something grabs his leg and pulls him deep under. 

He gathers his courage and pulls Gavin into yet another embrace. He really must have been touch-starved, only now getting his supply of what would be the android equivalent of oxytocin. 

"I'm sorry to say this but I came to the conclusion that…" he pauses to second guess his confession, only to decide that revealing this part of himself would only be advantageous to his healing process in the long run. 

"I need you."

It surprises him how easily those words have come out. How it doesn't make Gavin's body flinch in the slightest. 

"I realise that it's not right nor fair, but-" 

"Shhhh," he places his hand on Connor's mouth, like that would stop him from vocalising his sentiments. Still, it takes him off guard and he obliges, "Shut up, Con." 

This time it's Gavin who does the squeezing. 

"I get it, I get it." His reassurance strokes his soul and drapes it in budding calmness. 

“I’m never letting you go, I promise.” He isn’t sure what exactly Gavin means by that, but it still turns the unsightly pain inside of him into something less so. Something he would dare call beautiful.

“Hell, you’re only a one-year-old, of course you need someone to look after you.” That manages to elicit a chuckle out of him, which in turns makes Gavin place a sweet kiss on his cheek. 

Connor thought that he’s given the man all the love that he has before he finds out that feelings aren’t a constant. 

Love always changes, always shifts around. In his case, it’s growing like a garden blessed by spring’s good weather. He’s one of the lucky ones, ones who are able to keep its light-source near. 

It’s hard not to smile now when he finally understands. And why wouldn't he, really, when the world sits within his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this is getting too tiresome, I just can't stop myself~
> 
> I didn't know what to do with this chapter for the longest time, thus the delay
> 
> hope you enjoyed ♥
> 
> have a wonderful week if you want :D 
> 
> thank you for reading, as always <3


	20. blame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin's having impure thoughts against his will, which results in a small accident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)

Have they really come this far? As he wanders through the endless corridor, this reality seems almost too impossible to be true, yet he feels it with the same clarity as when a glass shard split his nose in two. He tries to run at his full speed, frantically almost, all to reach his new-found soulmate who has suddenly disappeared in a whirlwind of white ash, the same one that has brought him here. But his feet are much too heavy and he uses all the energy he has just lifting them up, slowly as can be. 

Everything around him is strangely blurry and unfocused, though he doesn’t even notice, for his head is too preoccupied with its efforts to lose the heat making him imagine various inappropriate scenarios reserved only for two consenting adults, of which one of the two involved parties can classify as neither, technically. 

Gavin sweats, breathing growing rapid as he lugs his body towards the brilliant light that gets further away the closer he gets. It doesn’t make any sense, yet he’s only vaguely aware of this since there are more pressing issues to be dealt with. Like the overwhelming need making him push through this nonsense in the first place. He doesn’t think about what he’ll do once he finds Connor, just that his presence will most definitely help, somehow. Maybe the wrongness of it all keeps him from reaching that handsome android, the fact that they haven’t crossed those boundaries on the outside of this distorted world. If only his aching body cared about that at all, he wouldn’t end up in this mess then. Gavin stops his movement, although reluctantly, and sneaks his hand towards the place that’s causing him so much trouble. It’s something that he’s very reluctant to do, here of all places, in a state that knows no boundaries. Anything could happen. Countless variations of absurd events are waiting for him just beyond the veil of consciousness. That alone he could tolerate, survive too, if he’s lucky enough. But there’s one scenario that could very well end him. 

He could wake up. 

His eyelids twitch like they’re set to separate from the rest of his face, his mind returning back to the warm bed in some inexpensive motel room, and the sudden realisation comes knocking, bringing gifts of fear and anxiety. For several seconds he strives not to acknowledge any of this, but he can sense that this dream has had tragic consequences, ones which have unfortunately transferred into the waking world. Delaying the clean-up will only make matters worse, so he pries his eyes open and scans his immediate surroundings for a sign of his poor friend. 

As his sight adjusts to the dim lighting, he feels brave enough to call himself partly fortunate, for the bed appears to be empty - if he doesn’t count his sinful vessel. 

He runs his hands down his face, wishing he could just merge with the mattress because this might just be the most humiliating thing that he has lived through… since September, at least. If it were with any other guy he would just laugh and brush it off but when it comes to Connor, everything is just… different. He tries to be extra cautious with the one person he loves as if a single small mistake could sever their fledgling of a bond. It wouldn't, though, or at least he tries to wholeheartedly believe that their link can withstand almost all difficult circumstances and that he’s only overreacting because that’s just how his fucked-up mind works.

He slides his hands away from his damp eyes and finally dares to scope the room in search of his friend, finding out that he’s the only person there. This development should be a blessing when he takes his embarrassing accident into consideration, though it worries him more than anything else. Knowing Connor and his legion of issues, he wouldn’t be surprised if the android has gone out of his way do something stupid. Especially after their little heart-to-heart of last night. His partner didn’t look so hot back then,... though only mentally, of course. Still, he chooses to implement all of the trust he holds for the person and opts to first tackle the predicament he’s been put in.

He handles said issue with a record speed, thanks to the many years of practice he’s managed to gather. The last step is to change out of his sleeping clothes into something more appropriate, and when he finally gets to it and opens the wardrobe, he comes upon the hideous sweater that Connor threw at him a couple of days ago. He picks it up with a simulated contempt, briefly pondering whether he’ll ever be willing to put on such atrocity. To him, such a possibility is quite unlikely, though he doesn’t ever see himself discarding it. This ugly piece of garment is more valuable than anything within the endless black hole which is his closet. Maybe that’s why he can’t force himself to wear it, for fear of ruining it. Yes, that’s must be it. 

Shaking his head in disbelief of his ridiculous thinking patterns, he chuckles and chucks the sweater on the now clean bed. 

After he dons his jacket, the dread starts creeping in, faster than he’d prefer. He hasn’t had any clue of what he’s doing ever since he’s woken up from his strange dream this morning. Actually, it’s been like this for far longer. It seems like this December ushered in some kind of courage that has served as their willing matchmaker. 

He sighs and opens the front door, immediately regretting this decision. The cold wind assails him right as he takes his first step outside, but he’s too busy warding off the onslaught of snowflakes for his head to even register it properly. Maybe he should have just called Connor instead of venturing outside like the idiot he is. A few curses form on his tongue before he sets to walk away from the building. 

Something stops him in his tracks before he even has the chance to adapt to the current unfriendly environment, startling him out of his determination to brave the adjoining highway. 

His brain tells him that the sound coming in through his ears is a voice most familiar, information that supplies him with instant relief. 

When he turns his head towards the wall, his heart melts at the sight of a puppy-eyed android standing stiff, lips forming the slightest of smiles. He's covered from head to toe in snow since the small roof above them can't shield anyone from the unyielding blizzard. 

“What the phck are you doing here.” 

Gavin’s reaction is in direct dissonance with what’s going on inside of him. Frankly, he’s expected nothing less of himself. All he longs to do is to rid Connor of the unnecessary snowflake layer and warm him up. It makes him shiver just looking at the android-like ice statue. Maybe his partner can't feel cold, but Gavin, being a mere human, certainly can. 

He doesn't give Connor a space to answer, tugging him inside the moment he snaps out of the initial shock of realising he won't have to go all panic mode searching for the unpredictable tin can in this raw weather. 

“I thought you’d appreciate some privacy, so I went ahead and gave you space to… sort yourself out.” 

Gavin feels himself combust and wishes the flames would turn him into ash. Much more preferable outcome than having to confront his subconscious bodily reactions and their inevitable effect on his bed-mate. 

He squeezes his eyes shut, the last attempt to escape this uncomfortable situation or at least to postpone whatever is coming his way, ready to make him question his entire existence, he’s sure. It usually tends to go in that direction. Dealing with personal failures in a healthy manner is a skill he’s lacking, which in itself is just another of his shortcomings. His mind really does dislike him. 

“Sorry for that,” he mumbles, not facing the person to whom the apology belongs. He still has trouble putting his stupid flushed mug on display for anyone to see, but maybe he’s willing to grant an exception. There are many things he wouldn’t do for Connor, but showing him his true face, no matter how compromised, doesn’t have to be one of them. 

“I figured you’d be blaming yourself for it,” Connor says, not a speck of disdain in his voice. No pity or exasperation to be heard anywhere. 

So he turns to stand in front of him, trying hard to pretend that this doesn’t dismay him. 

“It’s a natural reaction caused by the close proximity of-”

“You don’t have to give me a presentation on how the human body works, I am very familiar with this subject.” He couldn’t help but cut him off, since the words were physically grating his skin. What a fucking joke this is. When he at long last thought that things are going to be fine, when he accepted that there’s not a better sensation than being held by a loved one, his thirsty mind had to go ahead and ruin everything. Connor won’t most likely want to sleep with him after this, a premise that stabbed him right in his aching chest. 

“I just wanted to tell you that I don’t mind. It’s only that I didn’t know how you’d react so I chose to leave instead of finding out. I should be the one to feel guilty.” 

“As if you don’t have enough guilt on your plate already.” 

Gavin dreads that this conversation will become a sex talk, something he wouldn’t be able to bear at the moment. It’s too soon. They haven’t even had a proper kiss yet, a fact that might just be one of the reasons for his intense dream. 

That doesn’t mean he plans to rush things, the pace they’ve set for themselves is surprisingly enjoyable. He’s never experienced something so cautious and yet intimate, and he doesn’t want to be the one to destroy it. 

Connor looks at him with eyes that betray just how tired he is of being reminded of the thing for which he blames himself so much. Some pleasant distraction seems to be in order. He waits for him to turn around and walk further in, a perfect opening for a surprise attack.

Gavin snakes his arms around the android’s waist, successfully halting his movement. Chest pressed to his back, he senses the outside chill that is still clinging to his body. Not for much longer, though. As he places his head on Connor’s shoulder two icy hands cover his own ones, and so he can finally share the heat that has been raging inside of him this whole time. Finally a suitable outlet,... of sorts. The problem is that the longer they touch the stronger burns the fire. 

After a minute or two of serving as a human heater, Connor sets himself free of his grasp and situates himself in front of him, taking his crimson cheeks in his now warmed-up hands. Gavin only just catches his tiny smile before he closes his eyes, getting himself ready for what might come next. 

“Gavin,” Connor whispers, which causes his heart to beat furiously like it’s trying to intimidate him into running away from this encounter. He doesn’t listen, though, too busy melting in the heavenly inferno that rages inside. 

“Go pack your things while I’ll clean the rest of the room.” 

A small peck on the forehead later, he’s left standing paralysed while the android’s already gone ahead to make the beds. He fiercely tries to cool himself down, feeling the tips of his ears still scorching, skin flushed red from the fruitless expectations. 

In all this discomposure of his, he forgot that today is their last day here. They have to leave and resume their day-to-day lives. But who says that they must go back their separate routes when all they really need is a caring family. He’s already invited Connor into his home, so now all they must do is to go through with it. It should scare him, the concept of giving so much of himself to another person, but no matter how much he dwells on it, the worry never appears. Perhaps the excitement has overshadowed all the bad and he can’t bring himself to think that it can still be lurking in a dark corner. 

Either way, he doesn’t care, since his mind is too busy admiring the view in front of him. 

He’s okay. This is okay. He’ll just smear some snow on the affected areas and his body will be fresh and ready to go. At least for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know I've always wanted to write about stuff like that so here it is?? :D 
> 
> I'll try and force myself to write more often, though the current "productivity" of mine is a surprising achievement given my mental state ahahaha
> 
> hope you didn't hate it :)
> 
> thank you for submitting yourself to this ♥
> 
> have a great week, maybe I'll see you before its end !!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pouring my heart into this story.  
> hope you like it ♥  
> (also posting it on my tumblr https://monchikyun.tumblr.com/)


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